Various and Sundry.

This is a bunch of unrelated stuff put together into a blog because I'm not going to the "trouble" of a bunch of three line blogs... :)  If that makes sense.

So,  two words for any would be quilters out there: rotary cutter.  Wish I had realized how important one of those can be in making your quilt exact.  So now I have bit of a problem which I will have to fix.  I have a square pattern I bought with an outside measured for large squares and an inside measured for 4 smaller squares to make up the larger.  Problem is, without a rotary cutter, when you measure with a fabric pencil the outside measure is just a tad bigger and the inside measure is just a tad smaller...  But no matter.  I'll figure it out.  And get a rotary cutter...

Oh, and in answer to the question of if the quilt is to hang on the wall: No.  I already have pictures of Joel on the wall, including a lovely sketch done by Megan Benson (who has a business doing this if anyone is interested.  I think I put the link up somewhere in a previous post?).  I also have Joel's lovely wooden box sitting in my living room in exactly the spot where his playpen used to be. 

So yeah, nope, the quilt is not "on exhibit," the quilt is for me, just me.  Oh, you can see it if you come over.  I'll show it to you.  I mean that the quilt is a hands on tactile way to remember Joel.  Because I can feel the clothing in my hands...  it's not the same as feeling it when Joel was wearing it, but it is something, anyway.  So it is going to be in a place where I can feel it and cuddle it to my heart's content.

Then there is Caeden.  He's doing really, really well.  He loves numbers and is learning to add one and two to the numbers 1 -10.  And he is learning his alphabet and already knows some of the sounds of the letters quite well.  He'll be more than ready for Kindergarten in the fall, even if I won't.

He is also not cuddly anymore.  This makes me sad, even though I know it is really sort of his "true nature" and a sign that he feels secure once again...  He never was a cuddly baby at all.  Seriously, not at all.  He was an affectionate toddler, he'd come for a quick hug, but he didn't cuddle...

After Joel died, that all changed.  Each morning we'd have a cuddle on the couch.  He wanted to cuddle lots and lots.  I enjoyed that.  It was a new experience for me, and for him.  Now, he's been moving away from that.  Once again, he is affectionate, but his affection is quicksilver and brief.  He likes what is traditionally more "boy" type cuddling.  You know.  Chasing and wrestling and tickling...  And I know, in a sense, that it is a "good" sign for him.

It is doubly sad for me, though, in that Joel was always my cuddle-muffin.  He loved to snuggle, particularly with mommy.  He'd be face out from Steve's lap, playing.  But when I took him, he'd turn in and snuggle up.  So it was nice, for awhile, to suddenly have Caeden want to cuddle up.  Now I miss both cuddling Joel and Caeden... life is like that sometimes.

Joel's "deathaversary" is coming up soon.  I'm still not sure about that day or what I want to do on it, how it will feel for us, whether alone is better or not...  It's kinda hard to really know.  For one thing, this is, I am so glad to tell you, the first real "deathaversary" I have ever had to keep.  So it's kind of a big unknown. 

 And just like your wedding anniversary, you can ask a bunch of other people what they did, it might give you an idea, but it really doesn't inform your decision much, other than listing options you might have otherwise been unaware of.  And of course, just like a wedding anniversary, it will also change over time.  What you do for your first wedding anniversary is usually quite different from what you do for your 25th anniversary, thought the constant usually is that you celebrate it each year.  So, the one year after Joel's death day is kinda like that.  If you think of it like a wedding anniversary, only really sad instead of (hopefully) happy,  maybe it will help you understand how I'll never forget that day each year, but it might change over time...

I am going to admit that I have been "feeling" it coming though.  I have notice less motivation and more tiredness creeping up on me.  I know there is quite a bit of pain and sadness growing in me.  Which seems odd to me to say, because I hadn't really ever NOT had some pain and sadness.  But I know it is growing because I know the need to grieve is growing.  And one of these days I'm going to need to sit down and watch some videos and read over the blogs...

I know it is a bit hard for people to remember this.  I can understand that and I don't blame them.  That is why I just keep reminding you.  If you wonder why I keep saying "Well, in 4 weeks it is the day Joel died" or "I'm not sure how I'll be feeling then," etc, etc, it is just that I really am making sure that you don't (as I would and do) forget that day is coming and it is a heavy and meaningful day.  That day is "fully loaded."  I just want to make sure that if you phone on March 22nd and I start bawling, you don't get off the phone and later kick yourself "Oh, tomorrow is THAT day, I totally forgot."  I know some of you are super good with dates.  But some of us (like me) are not.

Last of all, I wanted to apologize for how silly I am!  I mentioned a blog or two ago that I had started a new blog, and then I NEVER TOLD YOU THE NAME!!  Silly me!  The blog is called "Treasure in Heaven" and yeah, you can see the title of a post there "Initial Thoughts about Postmodernism" and all I can say is: WHATEVER possessed me to title it THAT???!!!??  It is like I was subconsciously thinking "Hey, I don't really want anyone to read this, so how can I best discourage them?"  Yeah.  I'll have to make the titles more cute, witty and generally interesting to trick ya into reading it... ha ha ha.

Seriously, though, I sorta figure that a lot of my readers here will not really go read that blog, because if you read this one, you read it for Joel's story, and my other blog is quite different. 

"Treasure in Heaven" is a place for me to write about things that I have been slowly mulling over for the past year or so.  Many, many things.  Here is a sampling: postmodernism - ha!, reason vs experience, prayer, faith, the emerging/emergent church, authority, mediation/yoga, mysticism, the future, do you get sort of an idea?  And this is all stuff that I have been coming across and thinking about.  I wanted an outlet for my thoughts, a place to organize them, and maybe even to share them with anyone with similar interests of thought.  You are under NO obligation to read that blog, even if you are a friend or relative, though you are VERY welcome in any case.  And it is very possible that some of those topics might interest you and others not so much.  The choice is yours.  :)

I think that is about it.  I hope I didn't forget anything.

Quilt

So, I guess I better put up the promised pictures of the start of the quilt.  I'd like to say I was surprised at how very guilty I felt at cutting up some of Joel's clothes.  He has some clothing items which were beautiful, no stains, barely worn at all, and super good quality.  I felt so bad cutting them up and denying them to another child.

But I did it... After all, I did pass on a lot of his clothes from his first two year of life, and I have flickers of regret for that.  I'm not truly stewing about it, because honestly, how many memory quilts could I make if I had kept it all.  I know that is just silly.  Still, sometimes I sure wish I could look through those clothes again. 

Grief is like that.  It refuses to be satisfied.  It is a restless, complaining customer.  Why?  Well, of course, because the one and only thing that it wants off the menu is out of reach!  So you can't please it at all.  Keep the clothes?  Oh now what do I do with them?  Cut them up?  Feel bad.  Keep em in storage?  What good are they if you never see em.  Give them away to another child?  Oh, now you wish you had them.  I have realised that you can never appease or satisfy grief.  So I try and ignore those voices.

Which is why I did cut up the clothes anyway.  In the tears, there were also lots of smiles, because my son was so beautiful and so sweet and such a blessing.

I'm not a quilter or a sewer or a crafter.  Unless you count words.  I like words.  But I'm not that great at handy-type stuff.  So, this quilt is very much in progress.  Some of the pieces are a bit rough.  No, I'm not really sewing much of it together until all the squares are done.  Because I have no idea where I want things and I'm just going to make it a big puzzle at the end figure it out then what the "picture" is supposed to be. 

But the pictures will give you the idea.  And I have to admit, I love what I have so far.  I love it.  It's not going to be perfect, no.  Some of the clothes even have stains on them.  Part of the charm.  Yes.  I am not perfect, the past was not perfect, life with Joel was not perfect, and this quilt will not be perfect.  But it will be wonderful.  And I'm going to let the imperfections of the quilt just speak that for itself.

New Blog.

No seriously, I didn't mean a new post, I meant a new blog.  As in, I started one.  :)

I've been thinking a lot later (a dangerous past-time, I know) and I wanted to have a place to write about it.  I mean thinking about things that were not specifically about Joel.  And I wanted to keep this blog about the things that this blog has always been about.

So this blog is staying here and I will still be posting though as you can see, it might be more infrequently.

And my new blog is started up so that I can post about the other stuff that has been on my mind and heart. 

Thus I am writing this blog to tell you about my new blog which I will put up a link to on my sidebar.  And tell you please do NOT feel in ANY way obligated to read my new blog.  I know that many (most?  all?) of you read this because you are interested or sharing a similar experience with grief and loss.  And this new blog is really not about that per Se.  You don't owe me anything, in fact, I feel more like I owe you for sharing Joel with me.

So feel free to check out my new blog, and then read it if you are interested or never go there again if you are not.  I mean that!  :)

In fact, I don't expect many readers, and I'm OK with that.  I'm just putting it out there.  Why am I putting it out there if I don't expect many readers?  I needed to?  I felt "led" to?  It was on my heart?  I don't know, but there it is.

I will be putting up a new post soon about the work I have started on Joel's memory quilt.  More later!

Schmice

Did you ever wonder about getting a package that was labelled "Loss?"  I bet you haven't.  But I have.  I've been thinking about how a "doorbell" rang for me long ago and I received a package labelled "Loss."  In fine print there was a note attached that said "This loss package may contain some or all of the following: grief, sorrow, pain, anger, confusion, depression, fear, suffering, self-pity, feelings of worthlessness, sleeplessness, resentment, longing, moodiness, self-preoccupation, loss of memory/forgetfulness, regret, emptiness & aches, etc, etc."

Seeing this label attached, you might think, "Well, this is bad, but at least I know what I am getting into here."  And in a sense, that is good, because otherwise you'd think insanity was part of the package, but now at least you know that you are reacting "normally" to the situation at hand.  Ha ha ha...

Here is what the label does not tell you.  It does not tell you that the form that these "ingredients" come in is living creatures.  It does not tell you that Grief is a cat, as I have already written about.  And it does not tell you about the Schmice.  Yup.  The Schmice.  You heard it right.

Because when I opened up that package, a horde of little rodent-like vermin poured out and dashed away into the nooks, crannies, and dark places of my home.  When I say "a horde" then picture a large box loaded with wee mouse-like creatures, like maybe a hundred of them, and once the box is opened, like Pandora, you just watch them race out helplessly.

So now you share your home with a group of schmice.  They reproduce.  You get rid of them when and as you can.  But full on extermination is not possible, because you live in your house and the toxins needed to do this are harmful to you and your family.  You also need to go on with life.  And so you do so, getting rid of schmice here and there as you can.

As with all rodents, they prefer to come out at night, or in the very quiet and still moments.  When the lights are on and the house is noisy and busy, they stay away.  In fact, as time goes on and the schmice prove harder to get rid of than anyone else seems to have expected, a temptation comes to you.  Which is to just keep the house loud, busy, noisy and bright and ignore the existence of the schmice altogether.  Live and let live as the saying goes.

Of course, the problem is that everyone also needs peace and quiet and rest time.  No one can fill there house with noise all the time and ignore the vermin.  Also, the schmice leave evidence of their passing living by leaving droppings in cupboards and a certain "aroma" in the laundry room. 

Still, the temptation to ignore them is strong...  It is hard to turn down the lights, get quiet and watch schmouse after schmouse pop out it's wee head and scurry about.  To take the time and try to catch them one after one...   It is hard, but necessary too, for the sake of having a good, healthy home.

And people phone from time to time and ask "How things are going?"  Maybe they are asking about the schmice, but they are too polite to directly inquire.  I don't know.  The thing is, most of the time that people do ask in veiled ways about the schmice in my house, they ask at a time when the lights are on, and the house is noisy.  You know I am not talking about my literal house.  I'm talking about my life.  They call when there is activity all around me, or ask when they see me "out and about." 

And in that moment, my mind is far away from the schmice.  In fact, not a schmouse is in sight if I glance around.  Too noisy, to bright, too busy.  Hmmmm..... I'm really not sure what to say.  The schmice are still there I know.  How many of em?  Not sure at this moment.  What seems like a hoard at one moment, in the light of day seems like nothing but a few droppings here and there.  Know what I mean?  Schmice populations are variable and difficult to monitor.

I can just give general answers.  Yes, still got em, thanks for caring enough to ask.  Still know they are there.  Still dealing with them.  That much I can tell you.  And yes, life is still going on, as you can see.

But if you actually REALLY want to know about the schmice, if you really want to KNOW it, not just about it in generalities, then there is only one thing to do.  Come into my house.  Sit down at my table.  We'll turn the lights and noise down.  We'll be quiet and thoughtful for awhile.  And slowly, wee heads will start to pop out.  After a time, the schmice will come out to scamper about.  And it might be a bit uncomfortable.  You might not be too fond of vermin or rodents.

But it will also be real.  You will understand, just for that moment, what a schmice infestation is really like.  You understand some of the true state of my house.  You'll see some of the difficulties in what happens here.  My schmouse problem will not be theoretical or vaguely general anymore.  Maybe a schmouse or two will even scurry over your shoe.  Your understanding will be based on something you have seen for yourself.

In the coming months, the tide of the schmiceschmice.

I'm just letting you know that.  Rodent populations are known to fluctuate and often after a big surge in growth, they suddenly die out and dwindle into a small population.  I'm telling you for a few reasons. 

One is so that you are not unduly alarmed if you see this happen.  How could it not be so?  If you are surprised, it is only because you do not know what those last months of Joel's life were like or how deeply, how deeply the pain went.  There are a lot of schmice there.

Another reason is because it is an invitation for you, if you like, to come over to my house, to sit quietly with some tea and some lights turned down, and be with me while I catch the schmice.  This is not a job for everyone.  I understand that.  This is the sort of invitation I give, believing that the "right" people for the job will be the ones who would respond.

And if know one does respond, then I also know something else.  I know that my God is sufficient for me in the times that other people are not.  I know He will be with me when the schmice come out to play.  And He will be enough, if the schmice scare everyone else away.

Bad Dreams.

It might be time I did some intentional grieving... because this morning I woke up to a bad, bad dream.

Sorry to bore you with the details, but in my dream I had surrendered Joel to the care of Child and Family Services.  They had offered that if caring for Joel was "too much" for me, I could do this, no questions asked.  And so I had done so. (look, it was a dream.  In a dream we all do stuff that we never even would consider in real life)  Now it was a month later, a month since I had seen Joel.  "Oh my goodness!" I said.  "Maybe Joel has died and they didn't even tell me.  Maybe he is sick and I don't know.  Maybe I should see if they will let me visit him."

And then in my dream, grief and longing for my son burst full upon me (along with guilt and regret) and I woke myself up with my own tears.  And that deep, deep pain in my heart.  It was one of those crazy dreams that seems so real that even though I woke up and knew Joel had died, I still had to take a few more seconds to tell myself, "no, no, you never let him go, he DIDN'T die without you there."

It's hard to really explain the awfulness of a dream like this.  Some of you will understand.  Some of you also are good with imagination, you can empathize by thinking of yourself there.

I don't know.  Was it my feelings inside, letting me know that they need to come out, that if I don't deal with the grief, I will feel like I'm somehow in a sense "giving Joel away" because it is too hard to be sad...??  No, I don't hold that dreams have some special meaning, my Id speaking to my Ego, or anything spiritual or whatever.  But sometimes the FEELINGS that come out of them  can be telling.  Sometimes those feelings coming out in our sleep are a good barometer for us to pay attention to, maybe?

So, I am realizing from the deep feelings I woke up with, that I need to be careful to keep being "intentional" in grieving Joel especially in the holiday season.  It is easy to "get busy," to ignore sad things, to be distracted.  But I still miss my son so much.  I still long for him so greatly.  And I need to acknowledge that, because the love for him is always there.  And if I shove the pain aside because I am too busy to deal with it, then deep inside it feels like I'm "giving him up," in a sense, because it's too hard/inconvenient/painful to deal with the loss of him...  But all the love for him is still there inside me.

This might be hard for you who have not lost someone really close, particularly a child, to understand.  I know lots of people who think it is "healthy" to "let go" of the person, to allow yourself to be distracted and try to focus on other things.  Good for you, if you lose someone and find this works.  Personally I can not.  I just find that I have to feel the pain and sadness.  I can't deny the truth.  I miss my son.  I miss him so very much.  That's all I can say.

The Gospel as Explained to Caeden

First of all, I didn't take any pictures of our weekend away.  I didn't even think of it.  Sorry.  It was a good weekend though.  Caeden LOVED it, and I was glad that we were able to shower some love and attention on him.

Now, I have decided to write about something that happened last week and filled my heart up with joy.  It's not really connected in any way with Joel.  Still, I thought I'd write about it and share it.

It's going to be a bit of a stretch, maybe, for some of you unfamiliar with Christianity, or if you are an atheist, or etc.  I'd never make anyone read something against their will.  So I leave it up to you.  I'm not in your den right now, I'll never know if you read it or not.  It's up to you.  This post is about God.  And Jesus.  And one of the happiest things that I have ever been a part of, so I'm sharing it.  This blog is about sadness and grief most of the time.  Now this post is just plain about joy.

I have been praying for Caeden for awhile now.  Steve and I take him to Sunday School, we read to him from his children's Bible, we tell him about God.  I do this without any hesitation.  How could I hesitate?  I am convinced of the truth of the Bible, and I believe in telling my son the truth. 

Caeden has not been that interested though, to be honest.  He hasn't really wanted to memorize verses for Sunday School, and I don't make him.  He has verbalized that he wasn't interested in videos "from the Bible" and thought other kids videos were better.  He told me that he wasn't choosing God's side and he wasn't choosing the Devil's side.   (yes, he has also been taught about the reality of spiritual evil, but only AFTER he'd been taught about a good and loving God who was omnipotent.)

And I speak the truth to my child.  But I respect that he is an autonomous being that must make his own choices.  I have always tried NOT to force him about spiritual things.  God has never forced me, He offers us a choice.  So too must I parent my child, letting him make the final decisions about what spiritual choices he makes.  Though of course I make decisions as a parent on what cartoons are OK, etc, etc.

So, on with the story.  I have been praying for Caeden for awhile now.  And I talk with him about God and answer his questions, etc.

Last week he asked me a very, very good question.  He said (OK, this is not an exact quote, my memory is not that good, but it's a close paraphrase.  And same is true for all quotes following.) "If God made Satan, then how come God let him be bad and become His enemy?"  So I answered as best as I could.  I admitted that I had NO idea. 

I said "I don't know the answer to that, Caeden.  I don't know the answer because the Bible really isn't the story about God and Satan.  The Bible is the story of God and PEOPLE.  I don't know the answer for that about Satan, but I know a much more important answer that has to do with why God lets people choose if they will love and serve Him.  The Bible teaches that God wants us to love Him, and it can't be love if we don't choose.  God wants us to choose Him, that makes our love real."

From there I talked about how it says in the Bible that "All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned each one to his own way." (Isaiah 53:6)  And we talked about what that meant.  I explained how in each of our hearts we wanted to go our own way.  We didn't want God to tell us how to act or the right way to go.  We said "I want to be number 1.  I want to make all the decisions.  I don't want to listen or obey God."  And just like silly sheep, our own way led us into trouble.  We got lost, we went the wrong way, we ran into wolves, we could not find our way back home to God.

Then I talked to Caeden about how Jesus said "I am the door of the sheep... If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved...I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep."  I explained what that meant, how Jesus came to earth to die in our place so that we could have new life and a new heart.  I even explained some things about sheep and sheepfolds.  I told him that those olden day sheepfolds had no door, only a frame.  I explained how the shepherd would bring the sheep in, and then sleep in the doorway, making HIMSELF the door, keeping the sheep safe and sound by protecting them with his own life.

Then I let it drop, as his attention seemed to flag.  Later that day while we were playing a game, he wanted to be "#1" and he wanted to be in charge and make the decisions.  I pointed out to him how his heart was just like everyone else's, that he also wanted to be "the boss" all the time.  How often he didn't want to listen to what I said, and how often when he "went astray" he got into trouble.  I could see him mulling this over.

The next morning I was reading the passage that I had shared verses from the day before.  It's John chapter 10, and it is a beautiful passage if anyone is interested in reading it.  (L.P. or C.P., if you are still reading this, take it as a recommendation  ;)  )  After quoting parts to Caeden, I really wanted to re-read it, and start to memorize it.  He found me reading and asked me to read it out loud, so I did.

Then he asked me "How did you enter the Door, Mommy?  And how do I enter the Door?"  So I asked him "Do you mean that you want Jesus to be your shepherd, and be the door for you to be saved?"  And he said "yes."

So I explained to him that I had prayed something like this:  God, I am sorry for my heart that doesn't want to listen to You, that wants to do wrong things and go astray.  I want to go in the Door.  Thank you that Jesus died for me so I can be forgiven.  I want Jesus to be my Savior."

He told me "That's too long for me, Mommy, I can't remember that all.  So I took him through step by step and he repeated a prayer after me.

And then I just bawled.  Tears of joy just streamed down my face.  It was the most beautiful moment, and I am so glad that I had the privilege of sharing Jesus Christ with my son.

I know that he has lots to learn.  I know that there are parts he did not fully understand.  But I know he got the main parts, that his heart had been rebellious towards God, and that through Jesus he could come safely back into the sheepfold. 

And I know that in heaven there was a big party and Joel and my father were part of it, rejoicing.  I said this wasn't really to do with Joel, but look, here he is showing up at the end of the story.  Just like one day he'll show up at the end of mine.  And at the end of Caeden's too.  But best of all will be meeting our Shepherd in person, the one who loves us so much that He gives His own life for us.

Weekend Plans & Pictures.

We are going away this weekend.  Well, not far away.

If you have been reading this blog from way back, you know that just before Joel died, he was granted a wish from the Children's Wish Foundation.  It is so sad for me, that he died before he could have any benefit from that, though I know in heaven he's got it way better.

Just a day or so after he died, the CWF lady called me to tell me they had a gift basket put together for Joel that she was planning to drop off (obviously there had not been time to notify them of his death).  When she heard that Joel had died, she felt so badly.  She asked if I still wanted his gift basket.  I said yes.  I figured the gifts were pretty specific for him and they might not have another child who would use/want them.  And I figured that I was going to be sad anyway, might as well see what was in the basket, as just always wonder.

The gift basket was actually a gift hamper.  It was filled with the most lovely towels and fluffy face clothes for use with the jacuzzi tub we had hoped for.  There was children's music and a CD player with a remote for changing songs while "tubbing."  There was baby wash and lotion.  And there was also a gift certificate for two nights in a jacuzzi room at a hotel, for us to enjoy while we waited for the real wish to be fulfilled.  It is hard to explain how I felt about that basket.  It was very, very sad.  But there was something nice about it too.  And now when I look at those fluffy towels, I think of Joel... and that makes me happy.

The certificates were to expire in December, and I had promised Steve we'd use them, so the time had clearly come.  Tonight we leave for two nights at a local hotel.  With a room with a jacuzzi tub. 

I can't begin to explain all the emotions with this.  So I'm just not going to.  I will say that Steve and I are leaving Caeden with a sitter tonight (or as we like to call it, a "sleep over" with his friend).  So we have the first night to ourselves.  If we need to, we can cry as we wish as much as we wish and we can think about Joel.  As I call it, "intentional grieving."  Good to do.  Specially for Steve,  because with his work so crazy and hectic, he gets little time for actual grieving.

And then tomorrow morning we will pick up Caeden and have a family day and night together.  Caeden does NOT enjoy hot tubs, but he does like pools, and so we will spend some time in the pool.  Maybe catch a matinee somewhere.  Just do fun family stuff.

Grief sure is funny business.  I find the pain level has remained the same throughout the last 3 or 4 months.  But I feel more energetic.  I am able to do more.  I need a bit less sleep.  I am still often wracked by grief, and I know this will be for the rest of my life.  On Monday, I got Caeden's nursery school pictures.  They were beautiful.  Really, I loved them.  But as I dropped him off and left, suddenly the grief seized me. 

Because with the joy of Caeden's pictures is the grief that I never got and never will get any pictures like that of Joel.  He could never have a smile like that for a picture.  The smiles I captured were the result of much, much patience, many "garbaged" digital shots... and were very rare.  I love those pictures.  I do.  But I never will get ones like the one of Caeden.  There will be no school photos at all.

And I realized once again that all through life there will be new things to grieve.  I'll not be able to expect all of them.  (the school photos were a surprise to me, I had no idea I'd feel that way.)  I realize more and more that it really is a good analogy, that losing someone that close to you is like an amputation.  You learn to live with the loss, to function, even, very much like before.  But that limb is gone.  You will never forget.

And I will always love my child.  Always.  I just pray, may God use this sorrow.  It is my offering to God, to use in whatever way He can.