rainbows & earthquakes: August 2012

Welcome

This blog is my record of my journey with my son who had a rare, and eventually fatal metabolic illness. It is the story of the last year and a half of his life, his death, and after. I have shared this journey this in the hopes that is will not only help me come to terms with the realities, but also that someone along the way may find it helpful, as they face a similar journey.

This is my place to comment on events, blow off steam, encourage myself (and maybe you), share frustrations, show my love, grieve my losses, express my hopes, and if I am lucky, maybe figure out some of this crazy place we call life on earth.

The content might sometimes get a little heavy. As an understatement..

WARNING:

People who are grieving may write sad or difficult things and bring you down. This blog may not be for the faint of stomach or of heart. Read with caution and at your own risk.

If you are new to this blog, I suggest reading it from oldest to newest. It isn't necessary, as what I write is complete in itself. But this blog is sort of the result of the "journey" I'm going on, and I think it sort of "flows" better from oldest to newest.

I do hope that in the end you will find, in spite of all the difficult and heartbreaking things, things that are worth contemplating.

Welcome along!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Summer

I guess I sort of took the summer off from this blog. And now here I am, ready to write a post, and of course now I am asking myself how to fill in that gap.

Hmmmm....

Well, I guess I will start by saying that the hormonal fluctuations involved in the miscarriage really threw me for awhile. Yes, normally I have strong emotional reactions to things. I like to say that I am a passionate person. The weird thing about the month after the miscarriage was that on one hand I had an abundance of emotional reaction, but on the other hand I felt weirdly disconnected, at times....

I'll leave that for now, and say that Steve and I finally got out to PEI to visit his family this summer. It was a good visit and Caeden loved it. Of course, it was hard for me. Particularly as Joel's birthday happened during the visit, so there was that plus all the thinking about him NOT being with us on our first trip out in five years.

The beach was lovely, I have always loved the ocean.

And it was really good and important for us to spend time with Steve's family.

I found some videos and pictures that my in-laws had which I had not yet seen. That is not as strange as it sounds, because when Nana and Papa came for visits they took TONS of pictures each time, and not all of them ended up getting to me from PEI. So it was beautiful to find those pictures and videos that I didn't have, both of Joel and of Caeden.

I think I am starting to feel more like myself now. Like I said, I felt strangely disconnected at times... or ... well... just not like "myself."

Particularly when it comes to God. I felt disconnected from things, most especially from Him. And what troubled me at times was that I just couldn't seem to care about that. I'm glad that seems to be over. I'm really glad that God understands all about strange hormonal fluctuations, and about freaky human emotions, and about how often there are things that are just not good in us when it comes to relating to Him. And He remains faithful.

So it has been a strange summer. And now it is about over. There is a quote I have always liked, though I no longer have any idea who said it first. "So, I go on, not knowing. I would not if I might. I would rather walk in the dark with God, then go alone in the light."

I think that shall be my motto, for the months ahead... hope I can remember it. :)