Blue Christmas

I didn't really know what else to call this blog, though I think it's not a strictly accurate name.

It's just that I'm feeling some ambivalence towards Christmas this year. Not about the meaning of Christmas. Not about the message behind it the celebration. Just about the celebrating part of it.

I've been listening to Christmas music, which isn't hard for me because I LOVE the music. I've been known to listen to it in the middle of summer, yessir! I've been decorating the house, and that one has been strangely difficult for me, because I usually love to make my home have that "Christmas-y" look. All glowing and warm and joyous.

But this year it seems like a lot of work. And I'm not feeling as glowing, warm and joyous about it all. Christmas seems a bit hard this year.

It might be because I believe this will likely be Joel's last Christmas with us. I have a hard time imagining him make it for another full year, though it's possible. And surely I know that next year, there will be LESS left of Joel. Just like this year there is less of him then last year. And that all feels pretty sad.

I mean, it also makes this Christmas pretty special. Every time we do something, we'll be thinking this might be the last time we do it with Joel here. So it makes it all very, very precious. But sad too. Bittersweet.

And too, while every year there is a bit less of Joel, it feels like there is less FOR him too. Buying gifts for Joel always sort of bums me out. At least, it has since his first b-day when I bought him this amazing floor mat, but then he went downhill right after that, and barely enjoyed it at all. For Christmas last year I searched hard to find him something for his stocking. I was relieved, satisfied, maybe even delighted, to find him a chew toy that vibrated, a little massage tool because he was enjoying massages, and a tooth brush set with gum massager included.

This year, I got nothing. I mean, I bought him a couple of pairs of pj's. Not really "normal" two year old fare. Sure, I know, pj's are a great gift. If you think that idea can make me feel better - guess again. And family and friends ask what to get him. What do I say? Clothes. Yup. Clothes. Pretty imaginative stuff, huh?

Here's a little note of joy for my friend, Caroline. I'm not making this up. When I let Joel feel Ross's little Hedgie, he did smile. And I've not really seen much reaction to tactile stuff from him. But there was something about Hedgie that made him smile!

I just don't have it in me anymore, though, to try and buy any tactile stuff. It's so disappointing, because so often Joel just really isn't that interested in playing. If he is playful, he's more interested in getting kisses and zerberts on the palms of his hands, and talking and such. Which, I'm not knocking as it's own sort of gift. But you can't wrap it and put it under the tree with the rest of the gifts and it just makes me sad, is all.

If this is Joel's last Christmas, I just wish I could give him one that was equal in excitement and happiness to what his older brother will get.

I hope that doesn't make you feel too sad or too bad. I'm still looking forward to our family Christmas. And I'm SUPER grateful to have Joel here for another one. At least, I hope he'll be here. Don't get me started on how THAT feels, knowing that at any time that could change, and Joel wouldn't even be here.

It's just that I'm feeling happy, excited, and blue. All at the same time.