Camping.

We just got back from two days of camping.  It was a great time.  And then I spent most of the hour drive back crying.  Silently, so Caeden wouldn't notice.

I wasn't crying because I felt bad about having a good time without Joel (Joel is, after all, having a much better time than I am right now).  I wasn't crying because I felt guilty for having a good time, and NOT crying for two whole days.

I cried because I had two days worth of tears stored up.  Each day, there are tears for Joel.  They have only one place to go, and that is out.  Sooner or later.

And I cried because though I had such a good time, I no longer have Joel to come back too.  I cried because I so much wanted to be coming home to him, but he is not here.

Used to be, after time out with respite, I'd be eager to get home.  I couldn't wait to get in and see my boy.  I miss holding him so much.  I cried because I wouldn't be able to get home and hold him to make up for the two day lack.  I wouldn't be able to kiss the little palms of his hands as I used to.  Or kiss the bridge of his nose and his temple.  Or hear his little coos and sounds.  I just miss him so much.

As usual, it took me by surprise, the sudden need for such strong (but silent) crying.  I felt sad about my Dad quite a bit on the camping trip.  Guess I put the Joel-sadness to the side.  It makes sense, I suppose.  I can't really avoid the sorrow.  Like bills, it piles up, and accumulates interest or late penalties that must, eventually, be paid.  I don't really mind...I mean, the payment is just evidence of the priceless worth of having had Joel, and loving him so much.  It hurts a lot, but better that then being emotionless...

And through these and other tears, realizing that when I'm smiling or laughing or having fun or enjoying myself, I'm not really forgetting Joel at all.  My feelings are not shallow... the sorrow is there, and it is deep and profound.  It's just a break, and it is OK for me to take one, and I'll make up for it later by feeling it all the more strongly.

But I didn't mean to go on and on about that.  I was intending to write about something really good coming up.  Steve and Caeden and I are all set to head out to Omaha,  Nebraska in a short while for a PBD conference.  It is a conference put on by The Global Foundation for Peroxisomal Disorders (you can see a link on the left side of my blog) and it is for families affected by PBD's.

I am very, very excited about going.  Maybe too excited.  I'm also a bit worked that my expectations are too high and that I'm going to feel disappointed.  Because I have been looking forward to going to this conference very, very much, and for a long time.  I will get to see some dear friends, meeting some in person for the first time, and others that I met just over two years ago at another PBD conference put on by a different organization.

There will be several families attending who have already lost their child/ren with a PBD.  There is a whole morning session specially planned out for us (and other interested families) on grief and grieving.  I can not wait to be with these people who understand it all too well.

And there will be lots of children who have a PBD, and then maybe some of my friends will be kind enough to let me love on them for a bit, even if it makes me cry.  Because, of course, it will feel just a little bit like Joel.  And the love I give them will be some of the love I would have given Joel.  And it will hurt, but it will be a good, good kind of hurt.  Yes, hurt is a synonym for pain, but not all pain is bad.

And, I believe I heard it from another friend, that sometimes we need to be a bit intentional about our grieving... it keeps us honest and keeps us from doing too much avoiding and getting blind-sided later.  It's OK to go camping and forget about sadness for a couple of days.   It might not be so healthy or good to do that for two months.  Not to mention that if you are going to be intentional about grieving, then it is great to have the hand of a fellow traveller while you are about it. 

So, I don't know if I'll blog much between now and then, or for awhile, but I will try and get some more written before we head off.  It is hard for me, at times.  I don't like to sit down and write and write and write it all over and over again, the same thing as I did today.  You know what I mean: 

"It's sunny today, and I miss Joel."  "Today we went shopping, and I miss Joel."  "Meatloaf for dinner, and I miss Joel."  "Have a toothache, and I miss Joel."  Watched Survivor, and I miss Joel..."

You know what I mean?  So sometimes it's hard for me to write, because the above paragraph pretty much sums up the constant refrain of my life.  Yup.  Refrain.  That's the right word for it.  Each day it's a new verse to the song, but the refrain is the same, the bass notes under the melody.

Maybe I'll have to get all crazy and poetical.  Write some bad poetry, but at least it might be more interesting than two paragraphs above here.

For now, yes, I am going to put up MORE pictures of Joel's Garden.  It keeps changing, but it is always beautiful...  And the rosebush was really blooming last time, so I gotta put that up here.