January is "Drop-in Month."

I'm declaring the month of January "Drop-In Month." Because I really want you to drop in for a visit. Even if I have nothing to offer you to eat, the dishes are piled in the sink, and I'm still in my jammies when you arrive. Maybe especially if that is the case. If you arrive to see this state at 4pm, perhaps I really, really need a visitor.

But though I might need a visitor, I'm not mostly the person I want you to visit. I want you to visit Joel. Please. It has suddenly become really important to me. I just want you to come over and see him. And hold him, too. I want to you sit and snuggle him, to talk in his ear, and even give him a kiss (if you have a note from your doctor declaring you are healthy). ;)

It's hard to explain this "sudden" urge. I guess I finally understand what my husband was all about last year when he wanted me to bring Joel to work so he could show his co-workers "his boy." I thought then that he was being a little wierd. (don't tell him I said that.) Now I suddenly feel it too.

It's like I want people to acknowledge Joel. Oh, I know that if you are a good friend, you know about Joel and all that. So what am I talking about? I want you to get to know him a little more. I want you to get to love him a little more. I want you to feel his soft cheek against yours. I'm hoping he'll burble for you. I'm hoping while you hold him, you feel him stiffen when he is about to "say" something to you. I want you to let him hold your finger in his clenched fist. I want you to interact with him, see his eyes move when you speak to him.

In a way, I suppose it is a bit cruel to ask you to do this. It's a bit of an emotional investment for you, and I know it's going to be painful for you when he dies. This is only going to make you feel sadder about it all.

But it means a lot to me. It's hard to put it into words or define it. I guess the best way I can say it is that when the day of Joel's funeral comes, I want the service to be full of his friends. Not MY friends. I mean, hey, I want you to be my friends too, and come to support me. But I want to look out and see people there who loved Joel. Literally. I want to look out and see you crying and think "She sat and rocked my boy." I want to see you standing in the crowd and think "He sang to Joel."

Don't get me wrong. I know lots of you have already done this, maybe even more than once. And I know you love Joel. But right now I just feel this need to have people come and pour down love on my boy. I wish them to affirm his value and the preciousness of his existence by coming over to hold him and cuddle him while you can.

Maybe I should offer people to hold him more often. I guess I never know if that's something people want to do, and then they might be thinking that I don't want to let them hold him. Nothing farther from the truth. I take him when he cries, because I want him the most comfortable as possible. But if he's not crying, then I love it when people ask to hold him. I love it when my friends come to visit and walk in and ask "Where's Joel?" straight off. And go over to see him for a minute.

I love it, and now I'm asking you to out do yourselves. Please come over and ask to hold my boy and snuggle him and love him. I promise if you call first, I'll even brush my teeth and put on relatively clean clothes. (am I being too honest again?) You will be giving me a wonderful gift, and I also really think that Joel likes it too. I see a difference in him, often, just when he hears another voice besides mine. He loves people, he really does, and sometimes I see him just "light up." So please come over and light my little boys face. And show me how precious he is to you.