This blog is my record of my journey with my son who had a rare, and eventually fatal metabolic illness. It is the story of the last year and a half of his life, his death, and after. I have shared this journey this in the hopes that is will not only help me come to terms with the realities, but also that someone along the way may find it helpful, as they face a similar journey.

This is my place to comment on events, blow off steam, encourage myself (and maybe you), share frustrations, show my love, grieve my losses, express my hopes, and if I am lucky, maybe figure out some of this crazy place we call life on earth.

The content might sometimes get a little heavy. As an understatement..


People who are grieving may write sad or difficult things and bring you down. This blog may not be for the faint of stomach or of heart. Read with caution and at your own risk.

If you are new to this blog, I suggest reading it from oldest to newest. It isn't necessary, as what I write is complete in itself. But this blog is sort of the result of the "journey" I'm going on, and I think it sort of "flows" better from oldest to newest.

I do hope that in the end you will find, in spite of all the difficult and heartbreaking things, things that are worth contemplating.

Welcome along!

Thursday, June 21, 2012


OK, I guess I'm ready to post this here on the blog.  Deep breath.  Yes, I am pregnant. 

As of today, I am at 8 weeks.  Baby is the size of a pinto bean.  Still early days.  First appointment with the mid-wife is in two weeks.  But I thought I might as well put the info on the blog and be official. 

It took two pregnancy sticks, a coupla weeks, and the onset of some very bad indigestion for me to start to believe I am pregnant.  I've only just started to be brave enough to glance at baby things and maternity clothes.

Which, I am afraid, I am going to need very soon.  It is always so embarrassing to me, how quickly I just balloon out!  I have only gained the "normal" pound or two, but I already feel as big as a house and have my belt buckle back a notch.  And I did mention the indigestion, right.  That it was REALLY BAD.

But really, I guess some of you want to know the real "nitty-gritty" of it.  How am I doing feelings-wise?

As I said, I could not believe I was pregnant, specially not so quickly.  I have not been stressed out really at all.  Partly due to disbelief.  You can't be stressed out about something that you can't believe is true... right?

And I am just, at this time, feeling peaceful about it all.  The worst odds I face are 1/4 chance that little Pinto Bean has a PBD.  I feel, at times, both happy and sad.  I am happy because I hope I shall get to hold another baby in my arms.  I am sad when I look at baby items that my baby might not be able to use.

I'm sort of living "in between" two different realities.  I'd like to get excited about all things baby, but I can't go there.  It might not happen.  So I am trying to focus on the things that remain for us with baby, healthy or not.  Baby will be tiny, and cute, and cuddly.  Baby will wear cute little outfits, and keep my from sleep.  Baby will learn to smile, and that will light up our hearts.  These are the things I allow myself to dwell on and be excited about.

On the days when I can believe that it is really happening.  Because some days I just can't believe that it really is.

Oh, and if you don't have a due date calculator handy, I am officially "due" on Feb. 2nd.  But I know better than that.  My babies come early.  So my personal prediction is that baby will come on January 25th.  ;)

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations. This is wonderful news and I will pray for a healthy little baby.