Talented

There is often something I wish I were better at. You know... like I wish I were a better housekeeper. And I wish I were better at money matters. I wish I was better at mathematical thinking. I wish I were better at organization and paperwork. I wish I were better at planning events, like fundraisers or parties.

Sometimes I wish I were more of a "doer" sort of person... Hmm. I'm not sure that says it right. What I wish is that I were better with TASKS. Which would maybe mean being more task-orientated. But "task-orientated" leaves a strange and slightly unpleasant taste in my mouth. I've never been that sort of person. I'd like, by some sort of magic, to be able to do all sorts of tasks well, while still being myself. And that means being people orientated.

So sometimes I feel bad about what I accomplish. Because it seems I accomplish so little. Task orientated people have something to SHOW for it. At the end of the day, it's easy to see why they are on the earth and what sort of difference they make.

And sometimes I feel a bit poorly about that. I feel I must be... lazier? Disorganized? Distractable? Unmotivated? Less practical? A bit useless?

There is something I am realizing I truly do have a talent for. Something I have been good at for a long time, but only since Joel has it truly blossomed and fine-tuned. I'm good at crying. Yes. You heard correctly. I am good at crying.

I was raised with the notion that crying was an indication of perhaps some emotional instability. I was raised to feel that crying is often a cover for manipulation. That it was better, a sign of real strength, not to need to cry. No, I'm not British. But something of a stiff upper lip just the same. It's OKAY to cry, per se. As long as you don't sit and do it for too long. Too much crying is wallowing in it. Is a cheap bid for pity. And yeah, is somehow shameful.

I'm not going to blame my wonderful parents for this, really. They were products of their own upbringing. There were good reasons why they had the thoughts and attitudes they had.

But I cry. Yes. Tears have always come easily to me. And I have often (almost always) been ashamed of them, even though I can't seem to stop them.

Well, I realize something. I'm not task-orientated. I'm tear orientated. I think there should be an official title for someone like me. Too bad "town crier" already means something else!! (ha ha ha, little (and very bad) joke) Because if you feel sad, I AM YOUR WOMAN!

You can come to my house and bring all your sadness with you. You don't have to leave it outside the door tied to the rail. You don't have to wipe it on the mat when you come in. You don't have to air out your clothes and chew a breath mint. Sad people are welcome here.

I'm good at feeling sadness. I'm good at sensing pain. I'm comfortable with it. And my tears come too. It surprises me, how quickly and easily it happens these days. Ever since Joel. Even before Joel came a long, yes, I was a crier. Yes, I could feel with you when you were sad. But now, it's ten-fold. It is unexpected, when it happens. But it seems there are few sorrows that do not move me.

I don't have anything to show for it at the end of the day. I haven't really accomplished anything. My house isn't neater. The papers are not filed. No money was raised from the proceeds of the tears.

But you know, I think I am growing to be more and more ok with that. I can't see, at the end of the day, that I got anything done. There is nothing visible to show for it. And still, I feel more and more that it is a talent, or if you like, a gift. For I hope that at the end of the day someone who is sorrowing feels less alone. From their heart to mine. My heart was listening. With all it's might and every tear in it's body. Maybe it's an important function. Here in this world, are there ever enough people who can cry with someone?