Reality.

Well, reality sets in.  My Dad is, of course, sick.  It is painful to see that.  I hoped that he'd be feeling better, with the low dose chemo, than he currently is.

Of course, he hasn't started the full dose of chemo until today. 

Still, it was disappointing when he felt sick on Sunday, not due to side effects of hydroxyurea, but with a "leukemia fever."  When he went in to get his blood checked yesterday, his WBC numbers were UP, not down.

So his oncologist immediately doubled his dose of hydroxyurea.  And today my Dad starts on the real deal chemo, just at a low dose.  He'll be giving himself a shot twice a day for ten days, as well as continuing on the hydrox.  Then he is off the shots for 20 days, then back on for 10, etc.

I'm really hoping that now that the shots have started, he'll be able to feel better.  I think my Dad was very discouraged to be feeling so poorly.  He had hoped to go to church.  He had hoped to feel better for his anniversary yesterday, because the last two anniversaries were spent sick in hospital.  He was not in hospital, and he did manage to eat some of the food, but it is difficult for him.  His appetite is a bit low, plus he is supposed to drink a minimum of 2 l. of water a day, and this does hamper your appetite as well.  And of course, it was very discouraging to see that his WBC count was up...  I'm really hoping that he'll be feeling enough better for Father's Day that we can take him out for that mini-golf he's been looking forward to.

My parents looked up the stats yesterday, for this type of leukemia treated with a low dose of chemo.  The average length of time it has given people is 8 months.  Numbers are such a double edged sword.  In a sense, there is hope.  8 months.  That's better than 4.  It's surely better than 2.  And of course, this is an average.

But then it kinda hits you when your mom and dad have their anniversary meal at your house, and your dad is feeling a bit discouraged, and he's low on energy, and his appetite is a bit low and you think, "this is probably the last anniversary they will have together."  It's hard not to feel sad, and even a bit disappointed yourself. 

It is HARD to watch someone you love be SICK AND THEN DIE.

And it is hard, very hard, to do it off and on for three years, not with one, but with TWO people you love very much.

Sometimes the burdens feel too heavy to bear.  That is how I felt this morning.  Like there were too many burdens and not enough hands or a big enough backpack.  But I had a talk with God.  And He gave me His promise "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  And so I gave my Dad up to Him, and some of the other stuff too.  I'll just carry the stuff He has for me TODAY, and I'll let Him carry all the stuff from tomorrow onward.

I'm still pretty sad, but I feel lighter.  It is enough for today, to deal with the evil it contains.  It's enough, I don't need any more!  And the Lord is here.  I can "do" today.  Now I'm going out to water some flowers...