Last night Caeden woke up from nightmares. Apparently there were spiders, lots of spiders, crawling all over him. They were invisible when Steve and I came in to look, but they had been there, all the same.
We tucked him back in twice before it "took." Each time we came back in, he assured us they had come back and he could feel them crawling on him.
So I rubbed a little baby lotion on him and told him that spiders hate the smell of baby lotion. I told him that mommy and daddy's love filled up his whole room and protected him from bad things. Nothing could get him in his room, because we had filled it all up with our love. I told him that God watched over him at night, and that God was so powerful, he didn't have to be afraid of anything, God would make sure he was ok.
And I wondered while I said these things: Am I lying to my son?
I guess it would be more accurate to say, "Am I deceiving my son?" I'm still not sure. On the basic level of invisible crawly spiders, monsters and bogey men, no. I told the truth, straight up. He is protected from those things by the security of our love, from knowing that we are in the next room and rush in to him at the smallest sound of alarm. And yeah, God is more than powerful enough to take care of bogey men both imaginary and real.
Still, I wonder, is that really the question that a nightmare is asking? Or is it a more general question, a question born out of the growing realization of children that yes, bad things can happen. A niggling fear that the world is not as safe as one might hope. The discovery that no, a kiss really won't make the boo boo better (as Caeden is now smart enough to tell us), and even a band-aid is, well... a band-aid solution. Is the question of his nightmare more about fear of the real misfortunes of life, and less about pretend monsters under his bed?
Maybe you think I'm over thinking. Maybe I am. But don't the nightmares come more often when there is some sort of upset in the house? The weeks that Joel is in hospital, maybe? I don't know. But it seems to me that nightmares are more than indigestion. I heard an uncertainty about life in general, in that confidence of the existence of invisible spiders. A question was raised to me.
So maybe on that most basic level of my answer, there was no deception. The one that was immediately concerned with childish anxiety. But on the second, more broad level, of course there was deception. His room IS filled with the love of his mother and father, the whole house is filled with that. But it will not keep him safe from a house fire. It is no guarantee that bad men will not break in and hurt us. It can not keep his brother from being sick and dying, so how can it keep him safe? In truth, his parents are not the powerful figures of childhood legend.
That truth could not be said, though. That truth is one that little boys do best to realize slowly, as they mature into adults, and not suddenly in the midst of a dark, spider-filled night. As honest as I am with Caeden, there are truths that must go gently, gently.
And I don't feel too guilty about it, though that part of the deception does bother me. It does make me feel a bit helpless. There is nothing I'd rather do more than be able to protect my son like Superman. To be able to shield him from bullets, and cure his illnesses with the palm of my hand, and carry him unscathed wrapped in my arms, or in my cape from the midst of a fire. So I feel a pang at my own inadequacy when I tell him he is protected by my love. It seems so little in such a cruel world. Walls of paper to protect him from wind, rain, animals...
Of course, there is a third level yet to this whole question. A level where the truth is found again in my words. Because this house filled with our love is a protection, just not a physical one. It is a safe place for a little boy to grow up to be a brave and honourable man. Our love will help him find the confidence to stand for what is right. The love here will give him strength to face evil days. He will be resilient. This love will help him, not by keeping him from harm, but by making him strong enough to survive it.
That part goes for what I said about God too. God will protect my son. That protection might not keep all physical or emotional pain from him. Rather, like our love, God's hand will guide him in truth and keep him on the path of wisdom. God will make sure that the misfortunes that come to him will grow him, not harm him. He really doesn't have to be afraid of anything, if he puts his trust in God, in the end he will find he has passed safely out of this life and into the next. Where those hands that guided him in this life will reach out to embrace him.
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