Rain

Something horrid happened last night. Joel was on his fifth happy day, and I was loving it. In the evening I was holding him and we were "chatting" and playing. He was lying against me and he got really excited. When he does that he sort of waves his arms. And one of those arms was against me. I don't know what happened, but I think I felt a little something "give" and he started screaming.

Don't worry, I don't think anything actually broke. He cried really hard for about 2o minutes, and I cried too. I felt so awful, and he had been so happy just moments before. It was horrible to see that happy little face register the shock and then the pain. And that was the end of the happy playing for the rest of the evening.

It doesn't hurt him to move it now, I don't know what happened, he just got it twisted wrong or something. But it is the sort of thing that I dread happening. The reason I dress him so carefully. When I change him, I don't lift him by the ankles, I lift him under the knees. When I take his temperature under his arm, I lift that thin little limb so carefully. If I need to bend a leg or arm, it is very slowly and very cautiously.

Getting him in and out of the car seat is an endeavor I absolutely dread. I can get him in ok, most of the time, but getting him out, I just can't seem to do it without making him cry. It's like his soft little body just melts to the seat and I'm desperately trying to spatula my fingers under him without pinching him or twisting a bone, or compressing his spine, all the while trying to do it without having his head pitch forward or to the side. If you own a spatula, you know that it is shaped nothing like fingers.

It was a bad end to an otherwise great day. I'm still walking on eggshells, dreading that he might actually have another bone bruise which will make him unhappy for a week again.

Susan, thank you for the song you sent. The lyrics are beautiful. I've had another song in my heart lately and I'm going to end on that note, I think.

"Our Hope Endures"

Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong

Calamity only strikes once

And you assume this one has suffered her share

Life will be kinder from here

Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years

Sometimes the sky rains night after night

When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions

It's more than our optimism

Let the earth quake

Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?

Or joy at a good man's wake?

Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn

with illness but she marches on

Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years

Sometimes the sky rains night after night

When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions

It's more than our optimism

Let the earth quake

Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us

El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone

And this is our hope

I'm so glad I never walk alone. 'Cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years...