Many times on this journey with Joel, I have been surprised and touched by the generosity and kindness of other people. Particularly when I haven't really done anything to deserve it.
And again, yesterday, it happened to me, and it made me think of a line from a favorite movie "My Fair Lady." Eliza Doolittle's father, who is by all accounts a scoundrel and a drunkard and all the rest, makes a plea for some money from Eliza's "experimenters".. um I mean "benefactors." He makes the contention that he really needs their charity as he is a member of the "undeserving poor." After all, he reasons, there are lots of organizations to help the deserving poor, those who are working hard all day long, straight and sober and upright citizens. Not so in his case. His needs for food, shelter, or "a bit of liquid refreshment" are just as great, but no one will give him any money, because he is undeserving.
And while I am not an alcoholic and neglectful parent, I really had to feel myself in this category, though not poor at all. Even worse, I'm in the "undeserving middle class." By which I mean that I have never done any work in a charity or for a "cause." I've never been nominated for "Teacher of the Year." I can think of a lot of people who are also dealing with a child's terminal illness who somehow manage a cleaner house that I do, a fuller schedule, working full time, and even doing work fundraising or with an organization that benefits other people. They do a lot more with what they have, and sometimes I want to say "Stop it, you are making me look bad!" Ha ha ha, just kidding, but seriously, if rated on merit, there are plenty of people who really deserve gifts, help, encouragement, support, whatever, much more than I do. What I do manage is often more in the "bare minimum" category.
Yet many people have been inexplicably gracious to me. Overwhelmingly generous. Unnecessarily kind. There are a few explanations for that. 1. They might think I'm much more "deserving" than I really am. I'm really afraid this is sometimes the case. Oops, now if they read this blog they know the truth! 2. A few people might give out of a superstitious belief that the "good karma" will keep them from suffering a similar "fate." 3. People are made in God's image, and are therefore capable of reflecting His grace and kindness, to those who are undeserving.
And every time I accept something someone has done for me or given to me, I'm reminded again of God's grace. Defined as "unmerited favour." And I'm overwhelmed by gratitude.
Just this week it happened again. For the past few weeks, I had been thinking about how much I'd like to try a Wii Fit out, because I know I'd never stick to a program that was a "regular" type work out (hate those). My age old method for staying in shape most of my life has been taking regular walks, but since Joel came a long, it's really difficult, especially in cold weather. And I'm just not in the shape I should be. So I was thinking about a Wii Fit, and that it might be something I'd actually do.
But then I was also thinking about how Steve's contract is over on Feb. 4th. And how we haven't heard of any job opportunities or openings. So it looks like Steve might very well be subbing for awhile, though last year God surprised him with a job at the eleventh hour. In any case, spending at least a hundred smackers for something unnecessary in a time we might need to tighten our belts seemed pretty irresponsible.
So I left it at that. I didn't even mention it to Steve (because he has a hard time saying no or denying me anything!) or anyone else. I certainly didn't pray and ask for one! And yet this week, a very kind friend told me their family had an extra one and wondered if I'd accept it as a gift.
People have already given very generously to us through a fund raiser to raise money for funeral expenses, and we are very grateful not to have to worry about that at a time when Steve's salary might likely be cut in half. It is a relief to buy the plot and not owe anything for it. We are very grateful.
And certainly I'm not deserving of such acts of kindness and generosity. Just as I've never done anything to deserve God's forgiveness and yet, it is given anyway. And out of the gratitude of my heart (and not any thinking that I can "pay" for it) I hope one day I will be able to give to other people in the same way.
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