Quilt

So, I guess I better put up the promised pictures of the start of the quilt.  I'd like to say I was surprised at how very guilty I felt at cutting up some of Joel's clothes.  He has some clothing items which were beautiful, no stains, barely worn at all, and super good quality.  I felt so bad cutting them up and denying them to another child.

But I did it... After all, I did pass on a lot of his clothes from his first two year of life, and I have flickers of regret for that.  I'm not truly stewing about it, because honestly, how many memory quilts could I make if I had kept it all.  I know that is just silly.  Still, sometimes I sure wish I could look through those clothes again. 

Grief is like that.  It refuses to be satisfied.  It is a restless, complaining customer.  Why?  Well, of course, because the one and only thing that it wants off the menu is out of reach!  So you can't please it at all.  Keep the clothes?  Oh now what do I do with them?  Cut them up?  Feel bad.  Keep em in storage?  What good are they if you never see em.  Give them away to another child?  Oh, now you wish you had them.  I have realised that you can never appease or satisfy grief.  So I try and ignore those voices.

Which is why I did cut up the clothes anyway.  In the tears, there were also lots of smiles, because my son was so beautiful and so sweet and such a blessing.

I'm not a quilter or a sewer or a crafter.  Unless you count words.  I like words.  But I'm not that great at handy-type stuff.  So, this quilt is very much in progress.  Some of the pieces are a bit rough.  No, I'm not really sewing much of it together until all the squares are done.  Because I have no idea where I want things and I'm just going to make it a big puzzle at the end figure it out then what the "picture" is supposed to be. 

But the pictures will give you the idea.  And I have to admit, I love what I have so far.  I love it.  It's not going to be perfect, no.  Some of the clothes even have stains on them.  Part of the charm.  Yes.  I am not perfect, the past was not perfect, life with Joel was not perfect, and this quilt will not be perfect.  But it will be wonderful.  And I'm going to let the imperfections of the quilt just speak that for itself.