Lime

Well, I am sitting here and drinking a very nice ginger ale float.  Just thought I'd share that little tidbit with you.  :)

Baby is about 11 weeks old.  Making baby about the size of a large lime.  It totally blows me away how baby could sit easily in the palm of my hand, and I'd barely notice any weight, but baby has all major organs developed, and I'd see tiny, tiny little feet and hands, eyes, ears, nose and mouth if baby were in my hand.  But I still wouldn't be able to tell, boy or girl.

Today I went to my first doctor appointment.  To sum it up, it was sort of like going to a banquet put on by Queen Esther.  Which means I went in and peed in a cup, gave blood, and had to make another appointment for next Wednesday to have the "internal exam."  In fact, my doc didn't even bother checking my blood pressure!

My doctor was, apparently, very busy today.  My appointment was for 9:15, but she didn't want into the room until about 10:20.  I had read all three magazines.  So, back again next week for the real down and dirty part of the exam.  Yaaaay... something to look forward to...

But here is the good news.  She DID take out that magical little Doppler machine and she DID find the baby's heartbeat!!!  (I gotta get me one of those!  Wonder how much they really cost, because I'd use my every single day if I had one!)  There really is a baby!  It is true, and all this suffering was actually for a good cause after all.

A heartbeat = good news!  But still not an all clear for our health as I am missing some components of the exam.  And of course, a heart beat does NOT = a healthy baby.  Just a living baby with a 95% chance of being born sometime around April 15th, according to my doctor.  At this point, I'll take it.  Any good news is good news, after all.

Now that I feel OK about looking at maternity clothes and letting people know I am pregnant and thinking about baby stuff... I wonder how it will be.  Last pregnancy let me tell you what happened those first weeks.  Those first weeks I didn't really feel worried or freaked out about if the baby might have a PBD.  Instead, those first weeks I just re-lived my pregnancy with Joel.  And I mourned Joel.  And I missed Joel.  I thought a lot about his birth, and how I had thought he was a healthy little boy. 

I suspect that the next weeks will bring more of that.  I still grieve Joel, and another baby seems to really bring those feelings out.

Do you know what I have been worried about?  Not whether baby is sick or healthy, but rather whether I will be glad if baby has a PBD, because deep inside I am trying to "replace" Joel.  Like I miss him so much and want him back so much, and I hope a baby with PBD will fill that void.  That is the dark place that I have examined ever since we decided to have another child the good ole fashioned way.

The truth is, when I think of baby, I think of baby's birth.  I think of cuddling baby and I think of dressing baby in tiny outfits and getting up all night to feed baby.  And that is as far as I can go at this time.  Because right now, that is what I want and can have. 

I'm pretty sure if baby is healthy, I will be overjoyed anyhow.  The truth is, I just have a hard time imagining baby at any stage over about three months at this time.  My big question is:  Will I need a breast pump or not?

I cried in the doc's office when we finally heard the heart beat (because it can take a little bit to find that sucker!).  I was so relieved to hear it.  So for today, I will say "Welcome Baby Lime!  Make yourself at home in there, and any time you are are ready to take over the hormone manufacture on your own, is good with me.  Then Mommy can feed you some really good food for a change.  Instead of ginger ale floats and popcorn."