Low Points

Saturday was a new low for me.  Everything seemed to really hit me at once, though of course, it really had all been building up over the last few weeks, or more.

I feel better now, but without getting into too many details here (because some are just P&C), there seems to be a lot to deal with right now.

One of the things I will talk about is the diabetes.  I find that part of this pregnancy to be very, very frustrating.  Because this whole blood glucose thing has gotten very precise and finicky for me.  So many variables, so many little things that throw it off.  And then I'm worrying that I'm going to have to many high readings, and the doctor will tell me I have to go on medication.

For example, I think I figured out that there is a problem with Sunday and what it is.  Because yesterday at lunch I was really, really hungry.  I ate 2-4 inch whole wheat blueberry pancakes, and a cup of cut up fruit on top (NO BUTTER OR SUGAR/SYRUP) and then I had, um... well, I was really hungry so I ate 4 of those little breakfast sausages.  I didn't even have a glass of milk with it.  Which means I should have been eating between 3-4 carbs, which should be OK.

And then after I ate, I went outside and had a nice brisk walk outside for 20 minutes.  I figured I would be fine, but NOOOOOO!  My blood sugar was high. 

So, naturally, I went to the couch and cried on Steve's chest for half an hour, and then I went back and retested.  Guess what I discovered?  Yup, you guessed it.  Lying down and crying does not improve your blood sugar.  So now it was EVEN HIGHER.  So yeah, THAT NO WORK as a solution you might say.

Now I am thinking that it might be that Sundays have been a big problem the past two weeks because I go so long between breakfast and lunch.  Normally I eat at about 8:30 and then again at 11am-ish and then again at between 1-1:30.  On Sunday I skip the 11am meal due to church and I wonder if that is messing me up.  I hope it is, because then I can fix it without needing meds. 

A very good and sweet friend gave me a gift on Sunday.  I'm not entirely sure, but I think there was a subliminal motivational message in the gift.  So I have set it in the bassinet in the living room, and I can easily go look at it before or after my blood test, in case I need too.  I'm going to put up a picture for you.

So, pretty cute, eh?  Though I do miss being able to join in for cookies, or whatever, what I miss most is being able to just eat fruit, as much and as often as I want to.  Because in this pregnancy, I have REALLY craved fruit, but now I am only supposed to have 3 servings a day.  Yes, really, I would eat more than that if I could.  Did you hear me say I CRAVE it???

One of the things that is really hard about this diabetes thing is that it FEELS so much like we've already entered into the world of doctors and monitoring and pokes and medicine.  I know that logically, the diabetes and the PBD are two totally separate and distinct things.  But it feels like I have been swept up into that "world" a full 8 weeks before I ever imagined it could happen.

The diabetes is a small thing, but weekly doctor appointments, finger pokes, constant daily monitoring concern, all that stuff, has really brought to my mind some of the more difficult memories of Joel.  It all reminds me of some of the more painful things.

So on Saturday morning, I woke up from this really vivid, very realistic dream that I gave birth to our daughter and looked at her and saw the marks of PBD on her lovely little face/skull.  And I spent the rest of the day facing that moment, and those feelings.  I don't think that was a bad thing, necessarily, but it was a hard thing.  And I'm pretty sure it was all the diabetes stuff that really brought it on/out.

I'm hoping that was THE low point for this pregnancy, and that the rest of it is a bit better.

And Kara, if you are reading this, I'm going to post up a note to you in the comments.  It's nice to have another person to discuss gestational diabetes with, that is for sure!  So, keep an eye out for it.  :)

Oh, and last of all, I have this song I have been listening to, and thinking about.  It is the words of Romans 5:1-5 put to music and it is really nice.  I am using the song to memorize the verses.  I still have a ways to go.  The part of the song that really hits me is the part that says "... we rejoice in hope of the glory of God, and more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings.  Knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because the love of God has been poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit..."

It is a good, good thing for me to remember and hold onto these days.