Week 34

Well, time for an update.  I'm at 34 weeks.  That means I'm getting there.  But I still have to hang on for at least three weeks before I get hopeful for Baby to arrive, because it might not be good for her to get here before she hits 37 weeks...

I saw the endocrinologist today.  That went better than I had expected.  She told me very strictly I was NOT to lose any more weight.  OK.  I promised to do my very best.  It is hard though.  I'm exercising (which for me just really means: walking Caeden to school, walking various thing to a different and better place in the house, vacuuming, carrying laundry up and down stairs and basically doing any other thing that keeps me ON my feet and NOT sitting down) lots for a woman 8 months pregnant.  All that exercise and I'm not allowed to boost my calorie intake with any 'goodies.'

So, I'm going to try my best to put as many HEALTHY carbs in as many places/times as I can.  This is not easy.  And it is not fun.  It's good that I like challenges, but at times this one seems like it is going to do me in.

Anyway, the endo told me no more losing weight!  But she was happy with my blood sugars.  Happy enough.  And she was very kind to me.  She gave me a little trick I can do.  I did have two reading this week that were .1 or .2 over, but my 2 hour readings were still perfect so she said I couldn't tell anyone (so keep this under your hat) but I could just mostly do 2 hour readings.  She said the 2 hour reading was the most important reading to keep normal.

That made me feel a bit more relaxed about it all.  I will still have to be careful about what I eat, because I know from experience that if my blood sugar goes too high, not even in 2 hours will it be normal.  But it does mean that I don't have to be quite as stressed, as long as I am eating well, my 2 hours should be OK, and I'll never know if the one hour readings were a touch over if I don't take em!

I was very happy that so far, no insulin was needed.  Why is this important?  Well, aside from the fact that I'll have to watch things even more closely on insulin, and aside from the fact that I'm not crazy about doing insulin while preggers (yes, yes, I know tons of women do take insulin and they are fine during pregnancy), the fact remains that if I am on insulin, I can NOT deliver Baby at the Birth Centre.

And I really, really want to be able to do that.  If it is possible.  I LOVE it there.  It is amazing.  And, it is NOT a hospital.  I know some people would find that the opposite of comforting.  Not so much me.  :)

When Joel died, he died at home.  It was a good, good decision.  I'm glad he ended his life here with us at home, and not at the hospital.  Did I mention that I do not love the hospital?  I appreciate the hospital.  It is a necessary evil and I am grateful for what it can do.

But there are two times I don't want my child there.  When they enter the world, and when they leave it.  Oh, if it must be, it must be.  I'm not totally insane.  But if Baby turns out to have PBD, there will be LOTS of hospital in between birth and death.  I just want the beginning to NOT be there if it can be helped.

And I am selfish.  I want those few precious hours to ourselves.  The Birth Centre is just so... peaceful.  Relaxed.  Quiet.  Private.  The lights turn low.  Did I mention the huge bath I can labour and even give birth in?  No bustle of nurses in and out.  It's just so... private.  Yes the midwives are there, but I know them.  And after Baby is born, we can all cuddle up on the bed and be together for a few hours before we have to think about going to the hospital for a blood test.

The other thing on my mind is the niggling feeling that Baby might show up earlier than 37 weeks.  And then the Birth Centre is right out anyway.  Why do I think she might come early?  I don't know, and I hope I am wrong (but so wrong that she doesn't appear until 41 weeks) but I just have this niggle.  Last night, all night, I had some uncomfortable Braxton Hicks.  I know I got them with the other two as well... but I thought maybe they didn't appear until close to delivery time.  But I could be wrong.  I hope so.  If Baby comes too soon, not only will she be born in hospital but then we'd have to stay there for a while.  That would not be so fun.

Mostly, though I just want to have her already.  I look at her picture on my fridge everyday and I can't wait to hold her and see her face.

Which brings me to the last thing I want to say today.  Yes, I really AM joyful about Baby.  No, nothing has "stolen my joy" about her.  Joel's deathaversy is March 23rd, and there it is.  I mourn Joel.  The future is uncertain.  There are tears.  Tears do not need to be cured or prayed away, because tears are not bad.  They do NOT indicate that I have no joy about Baby.  They indicate that I lost a precious son two years ago on the 23rd, and that the future of this girl is unsure and that I have feelings about those two things.

But this Baby is a blessing and I do not forget it.  I am enjoying her everyday.  I spend a good portion of my time, hand to belly, just playing "What is that part?"  Just touching her through my own skin.

And, I offer as proof, the following pictures of the ridiculous amount I have spent buying baby clothes, just anticipating her arrival.  Oh, and some of the items are proof of the ridiculous amount other people have spent too.  I have enjoyed their folly as much as my own!  So I had to include those items too.

Do you think I have enough PINK sleepers??  Oh yeah, this is a baby GIRL we are having!  And we are very, very excited.  Amidst all the tears, mourning, diabetes, and uncertainty, we are thrilled to our bones.

Thank you, to the good God who has blessed us in so many ways.  And who never has criticised my tears, but who has brought me peace in the middle of the storm.