Part one of this was very sad.
It is very sad, the saddest thing in the world, when a loved one moves beyond our sphere of reach...
If you don't want to hear another blog all about God, just read part one and skip this one. If you don't read this, you'll be stuck in my sad place, but I am going to warn you that the rest of this is all about "God stuff."
There is something I want to say about my feelings that I can't let go. That it is never enough. I will never get enough time to love Joel, to hug him, to kiss him, comfort him, cuddle him. There will never be enough smiles or laughs or holding my finger in his tiny hand..
Though this causes me pain, it also bring me hope.
If you drop a brick on your toe, it will hurt like the dickens. But you will never be more sure, more aware, that you are in possession of a foot.
If you lose a loved one, it will hurt more than any other emotional pain, but it seems to me evidence that you possess a "limb." No, not a "heart", though, yes, it is evidence that love is possible for you.
It is the evidence of that part of us which is eternal that I speak of. Your soul.
You see, some people talk about things like "the circle of life." The idea that we are given our "share" of life which is the maybe 70 or 80 years of life we have, and then it is our turn to pass on and let other life have a turn. There is that school of thought which says that we are "just" the animal life which we can touch and see with our physical senses. And everything else is just this force called Nature's way of keeping our species going. Therefore the love we feel for our children is just our maternal (or paternal) instinct. And when we die, we are gone forever, so we must take all our comfort in "living on in the memories and hearts of our loved ones."
When I think of this whole idea, I am at a loss to express myself. I find myself resorting to old fashioned expressions like "poppycock!", or "balderdash!" That is all I am going to say, for fear of offending someone who reads this and really believes that. I'm not trying to criticise, I just want to encourage.
So let me say that I am very sure that my feelings for Joel and about him are not explained by mere evolutionary ideas. I have seen mother cats fight with their lives to defend their kittens, and I am sure that they have a strong "maternal instinct." I have seen those same mother cats after they lose those kittens, though, and I can tell you that they will quickly move on and mate and bear new kittens. That is ok, for cats. It makes sense, and is obviously the best for the species.
Now let me say, that I am in no way disparaging animals. I like them very much and have a healthy respect for them. But they are not people.
I have seen human mothers who will never "forget" their children. Their love for a lost child will continue on and on, year after year undiminished. People who have spend a lifetime with their mate, and they will tell you it was not enough. Not enough.
I feel this cry in my whole being. It can never be enough of life and of love.
Yes, it can be enough of war, and pain, of poverty or arguments. Certainly it can be enough of injuries and illness and hate and worry.
But I can tell you, having lived over 14,196 days, I have seen quite a few sunrises and sunsets, and I am not tired of them. No matter how many combinations and ways, colour is wonderful! I'll never hear enough music! I will laugh while sharing a joke hundreds of times, but it will never be too often. There never will be enough time for all the love to be shared. My soul cries out with great thirst for beauty, truth, love.
If I thought that Joel's life ended when his body dies, and that my life in turn would end the same way one day, this would not only fill me with sadness, but with despair! Ashes to ashes and dust to dust!
But when I contemplate this great thirst in me for these intangible elements, it reminds me that I am more than just an animal body. How could this thirst for beauty, truth and love ever evolve? The reason that it seems so wrong to me, to let go of Joel, is because my soul senses the eternal. I know that the reason our love can live on for years after a loved one is gone, is because it was meant to do so.
I will one day have to let go of Joel. I will have to let the part of him that is immaterial and permanent pass into another sphere of existence and I will be left holding an empty husk. But this is only a pause for me. This music will change into section "B" of the score, but then finally, one day, I will hear section "A" revised.
The Bible gives few details about what it will be like, in our final state. It does promise us, if we know Jesus, we will have a physical body like his. And I know this: The God who made giraffes and platypuses, green and blue, thunder and lightening, lemons and cherries, will in no way be able to disappoint us. And I will get to see Joel again, and never let him, or any other loved one go. As God Himself will hold me, and so shall I ever be with the Lord.
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