Day-mares

My reasons to write this blog and NOT write this blog are very similar. I'm going to engage in a bit of rather frightening honesty, and you know I seem to be honest without too much concern.

Well, truth is, sometimes I do force myself to be honest, though it is usually a bit scary. It's also true that by nature I like to discuss and share things. I'm more one of those "overshare" kind of people, than a reserved person. Still, like everyone, I keep some things to myself. I do have my secrets too.

So I've never really spoken about this with more people than I have fingers. Because sharing it might make you think I'm crazy. Certifiable. Or sick. Like mentally sick. I'm sort of afraid by talking about this, you'll start looking at me a little funny. Watchful for signs of a complete breakdown.

Which brings me to why I do want to write this. I sort of have a hunch that I'm not really insane. I kinda think I'm not alone here, and that the one or two people I've spoken too and could relate to comprise a much larger, "normal" group. I think maybe it is something that lots of people don't talk about, cause it is so yucky and scary, but many of us experience.

I'm talking about something I sort of touched on once. Remember when I wrote about all my worries and fears for Caeden? About what I called my "horr-antasy" with the picnic and the enraged bear?

I'm just going to say, people, it's deeper than that.

And I don't really think I'm going nuts, because its all happened to me once before. This is not my first run-in with grief, though, yes, it is the hardest and the worst. So I have experienced this before and over time it went away.

Day-mares. That's what I am going to call them. Not just obsessive worries about Caeden. I think they really best resemble nightmares. Only I'm completely lucid and in control of all my faculties. Which is why they also resemble a fantasy. Only fantasy sounds like something enjoyable, something you WANT to have happen. These are the opposite. "Horr-antasy." Day-mares.

They are the thoughts and images that seem to infest the land of grief. Infest them like cockroachesor rats. Only instead of coming out at night, they scuttle across your mind in the bright light of day, when you open a memory, pick up a line of thought, move around various activities in your mind. Voila! A creepy-crawly starts scurrying across your brain.

And with a sick (but normal) fascination, you watch its progress, every squirm and squiggle of it.

I've said before that I don't have nightmares about Joel. I don't. It surprises me. But I do have day-mares. Though Joel is not always even a character in them, I know what has & will happen to him is the driving force behind these thoughts/images.

Maybe this is even the reason I DON'T have nightmares about Joel. I STILL have nightmares that are job-related, and it has been three years since I worked. But when I was teaching, I was stressed, but I was busy! No time to think about anxieties during the day. I planned, and marked, and gave an incredible amount of energy interacting with my students. I came home and went over my day in the shower. What I should have done differently. What worked. How I wished I could reach the students who were in pain, who were sad, who were angry. Then I ate my supper and I spent the rest of the evening doing all I could to forget and relax and it usually worked.

But at night I would frequently have dreams. Dreams that my class walked out on me, or that I had no plan, or even idea of what to teach. Dream I'd lost my day-timer, or that I didn't even know the day's schedule. All sorts of "fun" things, though I suppose they were not really that frightening. Well, unless you are really afraid of teen-agers! Which is possible. They can be scary.

Joel is different. I do escape at times, in a book, movie, or video game. Most of the time, though, no matter what I am doing, he intrudes. The whole thing is just too big. Too in my face. And I guess I'm not the sort to try really hard to block it out of my mind. I'd rather face it.

Maybe all that has nothing to do with it. Maybe it is just a normal coping mechanism your brain kicks into when faced with such a heavy loss. It just puts you into "day-mare" mode so that you can rest at night. I don't know.

But I'm sharing this for those of you who have them too. So you won't wonder if you are going nuts. Or feel guilty. Or alone. Like I did the first time grief happened to me. I was only a teen, so it was even more isolating.

And maybe we all have these mind-cockroaches that creep across from time to time. I no longer really remember if they ever happen when things are good. If they do, it's pretty infrequent. Now, it happens a lot. And it can be disturbing.

Here are some examples. Like I said, they are disturbing. So don't read em if you are squeamish. But I want to put some of them out there so that if you are reading this and you have them too, you know I know what it is like.

There are the ones that are "fears," though I often don't feel really afraid while I think them. So while we are driving somewhere I'm picturing a car going through a red and hitting us. I'm seriously hurt or dead. Maybe Steve too. The boys are "alone" in the world.

We are at the pool. Then I see Caeden floating in the water. I wonder what that would look like. Feel like. I "see" it in my mind's eye.

Sure, these things, I think, come to those of us who are in a "good" place in life too. Parents have these feelings/thoughts/fears/images about their offspring.

But mine come all the time. And I get really graphic pics with them.

They are not the really disturbing ones though. Really disturbing. I get morbid thoughts too. I mentioned them once before, when I was sick. But now I'm talking about something a little different. I'm talking about visualizing Joel, when he's dead. Or finding him dead in the morning. I have even had a "horr-antasy" where I was wondering about how long before I had to call the undertaker. Then I was wondering how Joel would look, lying there having his blood drained out and preservative put in. His tiny, naked body lying there, looking cold and blue. Wondering how the undertaker would "treat" him as he dressed him. All that sort of stuff. Yeah. Pretty disturbing. If you are disturbed right now, think about what it is like for me!

But it gets worse. The real "kickers." Disturbing "day-mares" about violence. And I'd just like to say, in case you are getting worried, that just like in real dreams, where you do things you'd NEVER do in real life, so these wicked little visions.

So while I'm pounding in a stake for my tomatoes, I'm picturing turning to Caeden and using the hammer on him... Or while chopping up carrots... ok, I gotta stop now. Too disturbing for me, too. Horrifying and horrible. Violence. And I'm the one doing it. Things I'd NEVER really do. Trust me. I really wouldn't.

I think these little "day-mares" spring from my anxiety that I somehow won't be able to "handle" everything. That I will break down, or whatever. That somehow I will "destroy" my family because I won't be able to cope, when they need me most. I'm not sure. They are a bit mysterious. They just happen. And when they do happen, I sometimes don't even have a strong emotional reaction to them until they have scrambled back under whatever rock they came from. Then I feel pretty yucky.

I try not to give in to them too much. I try to get my brain on another track, or do something to take my mind off things. But often I'm "knee-deep" before I even see one coming. Man, they sure are yucky.

So I put some of the worst ones out there for you. In the hopes that if you are out here in this sludgy wasteland of grief, dealing with these disgusting pests, you won't feel as alone. If you are having these day-mare too, then rest assured, I think you are normal. And even still mentally sound. You might even be coping well. Don't be afraid. You are not going nuts. And maybe send me a note and let me know you are fighting them too. Then I'll feel less lonely as well. And more "normal" myself.