Green-Eyed Monster

Want to know something "funny?" I'm not really envious of people who have healthy children anymore. I'm still sometimes envious of people who can have babies easily and (relatively) stress-free. But I'm not really ever green-eyed when I'm holding Joel and looking as someone's healthy child.

For sure that is partly thanks to Caeden. He's done a lot that way. But there is another component here: People with totally healthy children are now beyond my ken.

It's other parents with healthier PBD kids that I now envy. Does that sound messed up? It actually sort of makes sense I guess, in a messed up sort of way.

You see, most of us are envious of people who are doing a little better than we are. Most of us are not envious of Bill Gates. We don't turn green at the house that Brad and Angelina J. own. We don't crave after the clothes worn on the "red carpet" or the expensive parties Brittany Spears threw.

Too out of reach, no? I mean, we don't envy people who are beyond our sphere of existence. That's FANTASY for us, not ENVY.

We envy the neighbour who buys a new car. The co-worker who got the promotion instead of us. The parent whose child always makes honour role while ours squeaks by with C's.

We envy people who get things that are just out of our grasp, not people who are miles beyond us, no?

We get green over the possibilities that never happened to us. "Why not me?" we ask. It could have been me. I'm in the same circle, I'm on the same level. It was POSSIBLE, but it never happened. So we envy.

And parents will totally healthy children are beyond my envy now (exception of pregnancy). Now I am envious of people who tell me that their PBD child has learned to sit up. Man, it could have been Joel. He was so close! Or the child who wears glasses. Or who can crawl. Those sorts of things.

Hey, I don't mean that I resent them!! I sure don't. I'm glad for them, and I wouldn't ever take it away no matter what. But they are the "almosts" for me. Things that are almost in my grasp, but I don't have. The realm of possibility for me. So I wish that I "had" what they "got" too. It seems like something we could achieve. So close, yet so far away.

I don't like to admit this. And don't think for a minute that I'm CONSUMED by this envy. I'm not. It is brief and fleeting, and I try not to ever dwell on it. It does seem really stupid to envy people who are also losing their children. Hello??!!!?? What is wrong with this pic? Can't I find really fortunate people who don't have sick, disabled, dying children to envy?

No. I can't. They are beyond my sphere now.

And maybe somewhere out there, there is another mother who is wishing she was me. Because my boy is still alive, and her child has already passed away. Pretty crazy too, if that is true. But if it is true, then I'd like to say that I understand you, whoever you are. I understand. You are envious of me, because I'm in your sphere, on your level of possibility. I get it. I don't "mind." I'm just sad that you are here, with me.