One minute I'm declaring how Joel has taught me so much and I'm even grateful for how God's used him to change my life, and thus me, for the better. The next minute I'm talking about morbid thoughts, or how things annoy me, or even anger me.
I wonder "Do people think I'm being way too upbeat, with no idea how hard Joel's death will really be?" when I write something more "encouraging." (by the way, I KNOW that in a lot of ways Joel's death is going to be way harder than I can imagine.) Then I wonder on another day and another blog if people think I'm just complaints, blackness and despair.
All I can say is that I believe everything I write and it's all totally sincere. It just reflects me, in all my changeable humanity. So one day I explore the negative thoughts and feelings. Get em out where I can see them. Acknowledge them, so they are not as scary, and thus not as powerful. Other days I am encouraging myself, and hopefully you too. And I do believe every word I write, but putting it "down" here on this "page" gives it more weight somehow.
In a strange way the bad stuff loses power when I write about it. And the good stuff gains power when I put it in here. I like that. I hope that explains the sort of see-saw nature of this blog.
So now I'm going to share some encouraging words. Words that encourage me. It doesn't mean my internal landscape is perfect. It certainly doesn't mean I've got faith just nailed right down. It doesn't mean I don't have doubts, discouragement or anger. But I do believe every word I write here, in spite of all of that.
A little bit ago, I was reading a blog and the author asked for people to write encouraging Bible verses in the comments. At the time, I couldn't think of any that just didn't sound so.... like words she already had heard a million times, words others would also have said to her over and over and while there is nothing wrong with favorite verses, in my mouth at this time it just sounded.... trite. (I'm NOT saying the verses WERE trite. I'm just saying MY saying them there would SOUND trite. There is a big difference)
But now, a few days later, a favorite verse came to mind. I love this verse. And it's just been going round and round in my head since. And so, like many other things that go round and round in my head, I'm going to put the words down here.
These words are from the Old Testament. The occasion around them is that a king, King Asa, who worshiped God, had made a boo-boo. A blunder. A mistake. Previously, he had trusted in God when enemies had tried to attack his country. But this time he left God out, and tried to fix up the problem himself. God was not pleased. He wanted Asa to trust in HIM. So God sent a prophet to give him a message. And here are some of the words the prophet said.
And I'm going to write them out from FOUR different translations. Why? Because that will give a better sense of the original words. Because I couldn't choose which version I liked best. Because the words are awesome, and I wanted to say them four times. For emphasis. (You shouldn't be surprised, haven't you discovered how much I like to repeat myself yet!!)
So here they are:
"For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." NKJV
"For the eyes of the Lord search back and forth across the whole earth looking for people who's hearts are perfect towards him, so that he can show his great power in helping them." The Living Bible
"For the eyes of the Lord move over all the earth so that He may give strength to those whose whole heart is given to Him." New Life Version
"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His." NASB
I love this verse. I love the picture it gives me. Of course, the "eyes" are figurative. But in my heart I picture God searching, searching, searching. Ceaselessly scanning for a heart that loves Him without reservation. A heart that is loyal. Searching with great desire for people with hearts given totally to Him.
And what is the desire that moves God to search with great yearning? So He can "strongly support" those people. So that He can give them strength. So He can "show Himself strong on their behalf."
I think one reason that I love this verse is that it DOESN'T say so that God can make their lives perfect. It doesn't say so that these people will be problem free. It doesn't say so that God can remove all heartbreak or trouble. It doesn't say so that their children won't have to die.
Things I know that God isn't promising me at this time.
God IS promising strong support. He is promising to give strength. He is promising to show Himself strong on my behalf.
Mostly what I love about that verse is that God is so anxious to do this, He's longing so much for it, He is desiring it so greatly that He is searching, searching, searching, back and forth, back and forth to find that heart. Where is there a loyal heart, so that I can support you? Not just support you. STRONGLY support you.
Here is my heart, God. It is all Yours. May Your great power give me strength.
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