Peach, Fist, or Kit-Kat bar

At this point in my pregnancy, I have realized that no one really knows the size of my baby!  It all depends where you look up the info.  I think that is because Baby could measure (from head to bum) anywhere from 3&1/4 inches to 4 inches or so.

Anyway, I am now between week 14 and week 15.  This is exciting, because once I hit week 16, I start "listening" every day to see if I can feel Baby move.  Pregnancy is a lot more fun, once you can feel Baby.  Though I am still having my fair share of nausea...

This week, a note came home from Kindergarten.  The note asked me to supply a family picture for Caeden to take in for "Show & Tell" as part of the unit "About Me."

I sat for a few minutes mulling that over.  Then I turned to tell Caeden I needed to print up a family picture for him to take to school.  He told me that was not possible, because his family was too big to fit in just one picture.  That made me smile, because of course, we certainly don't have any picture that has four grandparents, three uncles, three aunties and five cousins all together in it.

So I asked him, "Tell me what people do YOU think should be in the picture if it is of your family?"  I hoped that my voice was neutral and that nothing betrayed my feelings.  Five year olds shouldn't feel pressure from their mommies to put dead siblings into photos, right?  And he said "Mommy, Daddy and me."  And I said "OK, I can get you a picture like that."  Hoping again that my voice was neutral.  Then he said "No, wait, I want a picture of Mommy, Daddy, AND JOEL, and me."  And I said "OK, I can do that for you too."

It was a blessing to hear him say that.  And of course, it made me think.  Because Joel is fading rapidly from his memory.  In fact, he has often not recognized Joel in old pictures anymore, even though he pretty much always mentions him  if someone asks about our family, or if he has any brothers or sisters.  But that is because Joel is a concept he understands, but not really a person he knows...

And it is a blessing that now, he still wants to have a picture with Joel in it to show to people.  Yet I know it isn't reasonable to expect a 10 year old, or especially a 15 year old Caeden to want to tell everyone about his dead sibling at "Show & Tell."  He might grow up to be that sort of boy, that kid who just tells people "I had a brother who died when I was 4" but then it will continue "but I really don't remember him anymore."

And that is a blessing AND a sadness.  It has been a blessing that Caeden was so young when Joel died.  It causes him some anxiety, confusion, fear, etc.   But at age 4, it is A LOT different losing a 2 year old brother who never could play with you, then it would have been if Caeden had been 7 or 8.  He has no sorrow, today, about his brother.  He might have an occasional bout of wistfulness, wishing he had a sibling to play with, etc.   But he has no sorrow about it.  My son has no scars on him either.

But the sadness is that Joel is only a concept and not a person to my oldest son.  He can't remember Joel.  The whole experience is lost to him, both the good, and the bad.  A blessing, and a sadness.

Which of course brings us round to Baby.  Right now, he is pretty excited about Baby.  He is greatly hoping for a girl.  Today, he has an older friend over playing with him.  This boy is 8.  And Caeden announced at lunch time, right in front of his older friend, "I hope that I get a sister, because then I can play Barbies with her."  Fortunately his friend replied "I used to play Barbies with my sister."

No point in mentioning that even if Baby is a girl, by the time she wants to play Barbies, Barbies will be the LAST thing on Caeden's mind.  Barbies will not be fun, but will be the supreme test of sibling loyalty and love...

Baby might not be around to play Barbies, either. 

And I am going to say something shocking.  I am excited to think this baby could be healthy, and to think of Caeden playing peek a boo, and patty cake, and stacking blocks with Baby and all those things.  And I am ALSO excited to think about Caeden learning gentleness, patience, and unconditional love if Baby can not ever to any of those things.  I feel blessed at the thought of a healthy sibling for him.  And I feel blessed at the thought of a sibling that will teach him other, different lessons.  Because  (The Lord is on my side, I will not be afraid) either way my son will be blessed.  He will just be blessed differently.

As will I.  As will I.  There is a blessing coming in this child.  What sort of blessing I do not know.  And in the middle of a long, lonely night of crying, I will not feel it.  But the blessing is there, and I am trusting God in it.

P.S. If you meet me a year from now with bags under my eyes, and shoulders in tension knots, and tear stained cheeks, don't remind me I wrote this.  Just put your arms around me and hug me.  I'll remember I wrote this later.  :)