Insecurity

You'd think I'd have my hands full thinking about Joel, without bouts of obsessive introspection and major infections of massive insecurity. You'd think.

But bouts of insecurity are a life-long struggle for me. And when they hit, they hit hard.

It's partly a weakness of my personality. I like people. I want them to like me. Every single one of them on the planet. Thing is, Jesus was perfect, and everybody didn't like him. So I'm pretty sure it is unreasonable and completely unattainable for everyone to like me, being much less than perfect and all.

That doesn't stop me from worrying over it like a bone, though. Gnawing on it over and over in my mind. Are there people who don't like me? Who are they? What did I do to cause them not to like me? And then there is all the introspection. Or sometimes the introspection precedes the "bone gnawing." By which I mean that I start thinking "I think I'm too outspoken... was I too outspoken yesterday at ________? Did I offend anyone? How about ______? This is the second time in a week where I was outspoken in front of them! Do they even like me? Are they just being polite....? Oh my, maybe when I left the room, people exchanged LOOKS! Maybe they have even been saying how I keep jabbering on to each other when I'm not around....??!!"

Do you see what I mean? And pretty soon I'm feeling absolutely lousy and wondering if all my friends are secretly annoyed and fed up with me for some personal flaw and they are just keeping pleasant with me because they feel sorry for me because of Joel. Is this just my own brand of crazy, or does anyone else struggle with this?

I mean, it is just crazy, isn't it? You are not secretly agreeing with my personal assessment, are you? I mean, you are not just being polite when you read this, but really you think I'm an annoying flake and you can't stand me....??? (weak ironic laugh)

Truth is, I'm just so human that sometimes I wonder how anyone really can like me. By which I mean that I prefer to be called determined, but sometimes I'm just stubborn. I prefer to be called lively and high-spirited, friendly and talkative, but sometimes I'm just attention seeking, loud, and obnoxious. I wish to be knowledgeable, but sometimes I'm just opinionated. I prefer to be seen as keenly interested in things, having a love for learning and the truth. But sometimes I'm that annoying kid in school who had to raise her hand for every single answer. I want to be known as a warm and caring person, but sometimes I end up putting an oar in where it doesn't belong. I hope I'm spontaneous, but often I'm just impulsive. I want to be honest and open, but sometimes I just talk too much about myself. (like right now!)

Are you getting my drift? Truth is, all the stuff I've mentioned is stuff that is a part of my personal make up. And every facet of it can be used for good or for ill... The tricky part is surrendering it all over to God so that He can take the "me" out of my personality and make it something beautiful. And too often I grab hold of it myself (impulsive!) and try and make things go in my own fashion.

Even more confusing, though, is sitting down and trying to sort it all out, where did I screw up, and all that. It's better to just let go of it all, (of course, still apologize if needed) and just stop worrying about myself and whether everyone likes me and just get on with the job of what ever God has put in front of me to do. Stop worrying about me and worry about someone else.

Because feeling bad about myself and how I might not be like able or how everyone doesn't think I'm the greatest, or maybe even a passable example of a human life form, all that sort of internal stuff is really just a form of narcissism. Oh, it's not the FUN version of it. Obsessive insecurity surely isn't enjoyable, at least to me. But it is narcissism all the same. (great, add to that big list narcissism!)

So, my friends, I'm going to try to keep speaking to my God about it all. I do hope that none of my personal failings and weaknesses have made you want to file me under "G." And for those of you who love me despite myself, thank you. And now I'm going to go get on with my day, speak to God, and remember that more important than the number of people we manage to get to love us, is the number of people that we are able to show love to.