Frost & Dreams

Yes.  Frost.  A bit of devastation in Joel's flower bed.  It could have been worse, though.  The temperature last night dropped to a crazy minus six.  Yeah.  So far the only flowers lost were about 8 of my portulaca.  They really love sun and heat.  They are now toast, figuratively speaking.  Some of the other flowers were looking less than pristine, a bit bedraggled around the edges, some limp leaves and droopy flowers.  But I think most of them will recover.

It was disappointing, but not devastating.  Frost happens.  Then you replace the flowers that have died.  And grow even more patience waiting for the others to recover and look nice again.  But I didn't take any pictures!  A month from now the flower bed will look even more wonderful than it did before the frost, I know.  For now, I'll let it get some beauty rest before I photo it.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago.  I was terribly sad in the dream, in fact I was crying and I think when I woke up there was more than the usual amount of sand in my eyes.  I don't hold too much to dreams being more than dreams, but sometimes they really do illuminate what troubles you. 

This dream was set somewhere post-Joel, in the future.  I had returned to work as a NURSE due to my vast medical experience (ha ha ha!) and I decided to call in sick, because I was sure that I couldn't really handle the job.  After so many years out of the work force, I really didn't think I was capable of not utterly failing.  True dream fashion, even though I supposedly had training, I could not remember a thing.  That was part one of this dream.  I think we can all see what is happening here, with no need to consult some "what your dreams mean" book.  I don't know what to do with myself, I don't feel strongly about doing anything other than that it be people-related, and I might also be a bit anxious at the thought of returning to a "profession" after all I have gone through.

The second part of my dream unfolded alongside of the first part.  A friend I had not seen in a very, very long time was visiting.  I thought she would be staying for awhile.  Then I found a gift bag with a bunch of lovely gifts inside and a note explaining that she could not stay long after all.  In fact, she was sneaking out of the house as I found the gift.  And in my dream great wells of sadness welled up in me.  "Can't you stay?"  I plead with her.  The gift was lovely, but it didn't compensate for my deep sorrow that I didn't have more time with her.  I'm not going to say much about that dream either, other than that when I woke up, the sadness was still welling up in me, and it was the same sadness I feel about Joel being gone.

Like I said, I don't hold too much to dreams.  On the other hand, it is interesting what they can reveal about your state of mind or emotions.

Ok, am I now reduced to telling you about my dreams??  Sorry.  I really was going to write about a few other things, but was avoiding writing about the day Joel died, amongst other things.  So maybe I will now sit down and write the other blog I was going to write.  About my feelings on my "new freedom" if I must label it somehow?  On the other hand, as I look back over what I just wrote about my dream, perhaps I have already started to write about that very thing...?