Still, I'm going to do it, one of these days. When I'm ready. I do want it to be me... I don't know why, but if they are to be cut up, I want it to be my hand, and my tears as I do it.
Further on how difficult it is to tell people how I am doing: I realized that one difficulty is that my days are all so up and down. But I can't say that I am having a "bad" day or a "good" day. Because those qualifiers are highly inaccurate. I have hard days. Sad days. Crying days. And I have easier days. Lighter days. Laughing too days. But I can't say that any of them are "bad" or "good." Just easier or harder. For the sad and crying days have their own good in them. As long as I keep God near, I find them all so, though some days I would not go where I must to get through.
If I can find purpose in my day, then surely what it brings has some good. And I have found that when I bring my day to God, purpose is revealed in it. But sometimes purpose is painful, tiring, or difficult. Yes. But this is not evil. It is purpose through pain, weariness or difficulty. That is something else altogether.
These are just side notes. I wanted to talk about something else. Though that something IS related to purpose.
I wanted to write about Joel's garden. Though this is a second garden I'm making as well as the one on his grave. I have dug out my front bed and started to plant it with flowers. So today and yesterday were happy days for me. And in this bed of flowers, I am spelling out Joel's name. Well, I did spell out Joel's name. But it's going to take a bit of time before you can see it. Not all the plants are flowering, and of course, they need to grow a bit. So right now it's more a jumble of green with some flowers here and there. I'm hoping it will look better soon, and that not too many will die, as it was a hot day, and some of them look a bit wilted.
I have also purchased a few flowers for Joel's grave plot, but I'm not sure the topsoil is on yet. I hope to go out there soon and start planting that.
And all of this had me musing... about "doing" things for my son, and why it is so important, and why it helps me, and all of that sort of thing.
I can no longer really do anything for my son. This is the truth. I want to hold him. I can not. I wish I could give him something. I can not. I wish I could make him feel my love. I can not, and if God does this for me, pass along my love I mean, that I can not see. So there is nothing I can really do for my son now.
So why do I "do" things with him in mind, and why does it mean something to me? I have said before that it's "in honour" of Joel. I'm not even sure what that means. But I have realized something. It means something to me, not because I think I am doing something for Joel. It means something to me, because it is an outlet for my love for him. A positive outlet. Something beautiful comes where my love is spilt out. A beautiful garden. Singing to God. Maybe passing along some love or encouragement to someone else, when I do it "because of" Joel's impact in my life.
For not only do I long for my son and wish so much I could have him near. Also, my love for him overflows in my heart, but he is no longer there to receive it from me. It builds up, in frustrated abundance and pressure. And so, it helps to find a place, a useful place for it to run into. And it helps me to do these things "in his memory" because it allows me to say, even if only to myself "I LOVE MY SON!" And being able to show or say "I LOVE JOEL," is a very meaningful and joyful thing. Even if it is only I that knows what I am saying.
And this made me think and understand something new. Or something old, in a new way. Jesus said, long ago when on earth, that if we gave a cup of water in His Name, we would not lose a reward. And once, a woman who was known as a "sinner" anointed him with oil out of love. Some criticised her for "wasting" this oil, which could have been sold and the proceeds given to the poor. But Jesus said that we'd always have the poor among us (what an indictment!) and that she'd done something so special for him, that it would be always remembered.
And I realized what the Lord wished from us, in all of that. Yes, we do things "in His Name" to give Him honour. But there is so much more to it. We no longer have HIM here with us. We can not anoint his head with oil. We can not bandage His wound, or cook Him a nice dinner. We can't give Him a warm blanket or a hug.
But what that should create in us is a painful overflow. There should be an almost painful pressure in our hearts, a yearning to show Him whom we say we love, a yearning to demonstrate our love for Him. And as He is not here with me, in the same way my love for Joel "spills" out all around me, finding places and ways to declare "I loved my son," so my love for Jesus should be doing the same thing. And when I do these things in His Name, it should be saying, or shouting, into my heart and out into the world "I love Jesus."
There should be a "garden" all around me. There should be flowers everywhere, from the love God has filled me with spilling out. And this should give me the same sort of joy that I have when I plant Joel's gardens. Beautiful actions should surround me out of the overflow of love in my heart. Beautiful gardens, for remembrance of Joel. Gardens, "gardens," everywhere, in remembrance of Jesus.
Here, I am giving you a seed. Now you have it. Please, take this seed if you love the Lord, and go out and plant something beautiful, watered with the love for Him from your heart. May gardens abound.
I love this post Karen. Thanks for planting a seed in my mind and heart. :) you're in my thoughts and prayers... love,Mel
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