Coin Toss

I don't really want to write or post this one. It is about things that I'd rather not admit. But they are true, and I said I would be honest here. So here I go.

Sometimes our greatest strengths are also our biggest weaknesses. I'm sure that has a ring of the familiar to it, but how true I think it is. For mine all seem to go hand in hand. To be the flip sides of the same coin.

You see, (in case you didn't already know) I am a people person. Big time. That is just what life is all about for me, and while I do sometimes like to be alone, people are what brings meaning to being on earth, in my eyes.

And usually I like them. I really do. It is very rare I meet someone, and actually don't like them. And even then, they might grow on me in time ;).

Any personality test I take will come up with that conclusion. It will recommend jobs for me like teacher, nurse, minister, counselor, etc. It will sometimes even say nice things about me, like how I am warm and caring, intuitive and good with emotions.

And throwing all chance at appearing modest right out the window: that is mostly true. I do mostly get along with people. I do value relationships over pretty much anything else. Most of the time I do communicate well and work well with others.

In fact, one test I read said that I tend to make my decisions based on how my actions will affect others (as opposed to how they will affect me, or if they will further my personal goals, etc.) And sometimes that is true.

Which is starting to get into the area of my weakness. The part I am going to tell you that doesn't sound so great about all this people-centred stuff. The place where things turn from good to ugly.

Thing is, I really want everyone to like me. Ok, let's be truly honest here. Not just like me. I want everyone to admire me, love me, think I'm terrific, think I am funny, smart, etc, etc.

When I let this part of me go, it gets a bit ugly. For it turns everything that was once about OTHER people, into being about ONE person, namely: myself. I mean, take a look at all the times you see the words me and I in the preceding paragraph. I mean, "That's enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do YOU think of ME??" It's funny how one side of that coin is all about caring about other people, but how quickly that gets twisted over into the "dark side."

And then again, yet another side: the place where something that can be a strength becomes a weakness. The place where I want to be liked so much that I am insecure. The part where I let how I think others see me get me down. Where I get so wrapped up in what others think that I become completely introspective, lose all confidence, and just feel miserable wondering how other people think of me or if they can even like me.

And all that tends to come out under stress.

When things are good, clouds are white and skies are blue, then I can focus on other people. Then I can be warm and supportive and think about other people instead of myself. It is a great place to be. I wish I were that person ALL the time.

But when things get difficult, emotional and stressful, then the strain starts to show. I feel FRAGILE. I get caught up in my own feelings. Things are not well inside, I feel sad, scared, down. I lose my perspective. I want to impress, to gain admiration, liking, respect, in the hopes that it might make me feel better about how things are going.

Then something happens like the events of yesterday. I crash. Something happens, someone criticises me, or disagrees with me, or I make myself look foolish. Whatever it might be. And I can no longer shore up my self-esteem or feel good about how things are going. And it is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Even if you live in Australia.

So yesterday was a crying day. I just didn't have it in me to cope. I got into a discussion (read becoming somewhat argumentative) with a doctor. Then I lost it and started crying.

Oh, it wasn't all about me. I mean, being sad and worried about Joel is a big part of why I can't handle ordinary disagreement or difficult discussions. But the final straw is when I feel just plain old like someone doesn't like me. Like they think I am being a know it all. Like they think I am in denial, or I won't get my head out of the sand. Because I want them to like me. I want them to respect my ideas. I want them to think that I am some super star to be so together and pleasant when so much garbage is going down in my life.

And not see the truth about me.

Which is that sometimes I get caught up in my own ideas. Sometimes I don't want to believe the truth. Sometimes I say things in ways that just don't make sense to other people. Sometimes I am wrong. And above all else, I am NOT a super star and I really don't have it together, and my husband (or my mom) can tell you how unpleasant I can get when things get tough.

So I felt stupid. I felt unlikeable. I felt like I seemed disagreeable and unreasonable. And I cried. I cried because of that, but mostly I also cried because I truly wanted my little boy to be better than the doctor thought he was, but really I was starting to fear the doctor was right all along.

(The poor doctor did feel bad. He left the room and came back later, and did his best to try and make it better.)

Tomorrow we go in to have a conference with all the doctors to decide our "plan" for what to do to help Joel. I think it will go well tomorrow. I don't think it will be a repeat of yesterday. And I know only one way to make sure that my strength doesn't end up tripping me up over my own feet (read insecurities).

I'm going to have a talk with God. A little heart to heart. And then, I'm going to trust Him to be there with me, give me the words to say, enough confidence in His love for me to forget about my own ego and feelings. And I'm going to try to look at those doctors and at Joel and I'm going to focus on them. Truly, the only way I know to forget about myself, is to start to focus on someone else. And that is what flips that coin back over.