Welcome

This blog is my record of my journey with my son who had a rare, and eventually fatal metabolic illness. It is the story of the last year and a half of his life, his death, and after. I have shared this journey this in the hopes that is will not only help me come to terms with the realities, but also that someone along the way may find it helpful, as they face a similar journey.







This is my place to comment on events, blow off steam, encourage myself (and maybe you), share frustrations, show my love, grieve my losses, express my hopes, and if I am lucky, maybe figure out some of this crazy place we call life on earth.





The content might sometimes get a little heavy. As an understatement..







WARNING:







People who are grieving may write sad or difficult things and bring you down. This blog may not be for the faint of stomach or of heart. Read with caution and at your own risk.





If you are new to this blog, I suggest reading it from oldest to newest. It isn't necessary, as what I write is complete in itself. But this blog is sort of the result of the "journey" I'm going on, and I think it sort of "flows" better from oldest to newest.



I do hope that in the end you will find, in spite of all the difficult and heartbreaking things, things that are worth contemplating.





Welcome along!





Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Crackers

Maybe the first thing I should say is that I am talking about the food, and not my mental state. Cause by now I am sure my mental state would be more correctly termed "crumbs of crackers." Ha ha ha. Though if you read this blog, and you don't know Jesus, or believe in God, you might not have trouble believing that. So read this if you like, or skip it if you find discussions about God or life after death offensive. I won't mind, I won't even know.

Steve and I were discussing the things about what is happening to Joel that cause us the most pain. And yes, they are many. One of the things that came up, was how Joel's life is cut so short, and is so limited, so that he doesn't get to experience all the "good stuff" about life on earth.

I am sad about that, but not so much for Joel. Yes, right now I am sad for Joel, because he can not run like he should be able to. And it makes me sad that he can't speak at all, the way a child his age could, so communication is pretty limited. And he can't play with toys, or do so many of those things that bring a toddler joy. Yes, that makes me sad for him.

But when it comes to the future that he's going to "miss out on," then I am really just sad for me. I am sad that I'm going to miss graduations, and ball games, learning to drive and learning to be honest about where the scratches on the car came from. Girls and seeing my boy learn how to love like a real man. And seeing him as a father, and enjoying his grandchildren. All that good, really precious stuff that I will miss out on. That makes me sad.

But I'm not really sad that Joel himself is missing out on that. I'm sad about what he misses now, but not what he will miss because he dies. I can't really be sad for him about that.

I do believe in life after death, as I have mentioned before. And not in any sort of sitting around on clouds and playing harps sort of way. Though I admit I have absolutely no idea what it will really be like, I do have Jesus' words to the criminal on the cross beside him. He said "This day you will be with me in Paradise." I don't know the details, but I think we can all agree, "paradise" is a good word.

Life here on earth can be pretty good, I'm not knocking it. If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know that I think that life here on earth is a great gift. And that I think we should all do what we can to help other people here, in a physical way, as well as emotionally or spiritually.

Yes, life here on earth can be very good and very enjoyable. So it could be easy to sort of get caught up in it and get pretty confused about what the eternity God has promised for those who believe will really be like. And buy into all that stuff about clouds, wings, and harps, which, I'm just going to be honest, seems pretty dull to me. Hard to imagine it comparing to life on earth. But no where in the Bible can you find any of that stuff, though you will find a verse or two about people singing (in Revelation).

So let me tell you a little "story" to explain what I mean. But first, let me give credit where credit is due. The analogy here is not orginal to me. I heard it in a sermon that Pastor Dave shared just a couple Sundays ago. If he is reading this, he now knows that I really was listening! I borrowed the analogy from him. But my thoughts about life after death are otherwise my own, and from before ever his sermon. So don't blame him for too much!!

So here we go. A story about crackers. Let's say that the Smith family knew a great chef. He was truly amazing. And one day he invited some people over for a big dinner party. And the Smiths were invited. That would be pretty exciting for me, cause I am a "foodie." I like cooking food, but I absolutely love eating good food!

But I digress, carried away by my passion for fine cuisine! So, the Smith family went to the party, all four of them. And let's pretend for a minute that Joel was not limited by a g-tube, but could eat just as well as the rest of the clan.

So they arrive at the party and see these trays of crackers being passed around as hors d'oeuvre (do you know how hard it is for a really bad speller like me to get that word right??). But before a tray gets to them, one of the staff comes down with a special message. Joel has received a special invitation to go right up to dinner! He gets to have a special "preview" of the feast, before anyone else does. The messenger takes him to the dining area.

And the rest of the Smiths get to try the lovely crackers from a tray. Mmmm. They are soooooo good. The most amazing crackers ever! Suddenly, I burst into tears. For poor Joel. He has missed out on these delectable crackers. I am so heartbroken that he has missed them...

No. Not at all. For Joel has gone straight on to dinner. He skipped the crackers, but the great feast waiting for him was made by the very same chef. How can he be disappointed there? Attending a preview is a great privilege, it is not something to sorrow over. If I want to know how good that wonderful dinner will be, all I have to do is taste a cracker. That reveals a small part of the talent of the Chef. But there is so much more waiting! And Joel gets to be there first.

That is just an analogy, of course. But the truth is that the same God who made giraffes, and goldfish and gardens is the one who waits for us in eternity. The same God who invented flying by put in place a law that regulates air flow to create lift, the same God who decided we'd start off in the adorable form of a baby, the same God who created colour and then painted it on animals hidden away in the depths of the ocean where we'd only discover them centuries later - wow! He made flowers, feathers, and families. What could possibly disappointing or a let-down about "heaven?" All I have to do is think about how God designed the platypus and heaven seems pretty interesting to me.

Joel has a hard road to travel until the day he returns to his Maker. He has to be sick, at times. He can't run and jump. I'm not even sure if he can see colour or not. He will only grow weaker as time goes on. The times I see him suffer, it is very, very hard.

But he is blessed that he gets to discover Heaven, without waiting for a whole life time.

And the best thing of all is that he gets to see Jesus' face first. Because the best part of what Jesus said to the criminal being crucified beside him was not the part about "paradise." It was the part about "you will be with ME."

If you don't know Jesus, it is hard to explain that. All I can tell you is that Jesus is the most amazing person, and being in God's presence is like standing in the golden glow of the dawn of a new day and I just don't know how to explain it better.

Now that I think about it, I can't wait myself to get to experience that without being hampered by the physical restrictions of this body! If you think the crackers are good, wait til you get to the actual dinner!!!

1 comment:

  1. Once again, you move me with your thoughts and words. Thanks to Pastor Dave and you for that wonderful analogy. I completely agree. For those who pass on...there is only goodness and joy....but being left behind is the hard part. Yay for Joel that he will get to be with Jesus first. I truly pray his time here with you will still hold tons of joy, color and laughter without too much of the sickness. We can hope and pray for that ...right?

    Enjoy your beautiful boy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, as a believer...I totally get it!

    kd

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