Reality Check

On Thursday we got our little "at home suction equipment." It was one of those mixed emotion kind of things. It was such a relief to get it. It is always a good, good feeling to get any sort of tool by which you can feel you are actually helping your child, instead of sitting helplessly apologizing to them for what is happening. On the other hand, it also feel pretty crappy. A tangible bit of evidence that perhaps your son is no longer able to cough out or swallow the secretions in the back of his mouth/throat.

Funny how you can feel two things at once like that.

I have invited a lot of people to read this blog. And some of those people surprised me by actually reading it. And then some of them surprised me even more by inviting other people to read it. And so on. So I think that the "readership" on this blog is a lot higher than I really expected in my wildest imaginings, and some of the people reading it are people I don't even know.

Which is a strange feeling, but I think it is good. I believe that most of the people who actually read this do so, not out of any idle curiosity or "emotionally rubbernecking" but because they really care about what it is like to have an ill child. I think most of you actually really care, otherwise why would you read this? It's really not that good. And I believe that knowledge, especially the kind I'm trying to share, is a good thing. Of course, my profession is teaching, so?? What do you expect? Knowledge is power, and good knowledge is a good kind of power.

On the other hand, it does make me feel strange at times. Because I wonder if people sure get the wrong impression of who I am, as in, a better opinion than it should be. I know I do it. Imagine what the author is like when I read something.

So, maybe when someone is reading this blog they are picturing a mom in a nice neat home. She's got a cute "low-maintenance" mom-type hair cut, a warm smile and two neat and clean children. One of whom is playing nicely with his toys while she is typing the blog, and the other who is sleeping in his crib beside her. There are no papers piled about, they are nicely filed. The counter is clear of dirty dishes. A small amount of tasteful makeup has been applied to her face and she is patiently speaking to her little boy as he asks her a question.

Maybe?

But really, I'm likely sitting here in the morning with my coffee beside me. And morning coffee breath. Both Caeden and I might be in our pj's and most likely he still has breakfast on his face. Not a single hair on a single head has yet been combed. Papers are piled up waiting to be filed going back over a month ago from the last hospitalization. Last night's dishes may or may not be piled up waiting for the dishwasher. There is pretty much always a load of laundry in on the laundry room floor, one in the dryer, and one on top of the deep freezer waiting to be folded. And sometimes there might even be one sitting in the washer that I forgot to put in the dryer and now I have to rewash it...

The first couple questions my little boy asks might be answered with patience, but after awhile exasperation sets in as Caeden buzzes around me like a little fly until I turn on the tv. So much for educational play.

The only thing the same from the first scenario is that Joel is sleeping peacefully, because most of the time, if he is awake, I'm not writing my blog.

Dangerous to write this, because whenever my mother in law reads this sort of info on my blog, I get gentle offers that she will hop on a plane and come out to help. Not that I mind my mother in law at all. She's great and I love her. But no, Ma, we don't need you yet. Though you are always welcome! :)

I don't suppose anyone really thinks I am any sort of "perfect" mom, but it is really easy to think people are better than they really are, when they are not there in person to hit you with reality. So I just wanted to remind you all, once again, that having a child with huge medical needs has not propelled me into any sort of "Mom Sainthood." I just struggle to get by and to cope with what life has handed me. Some days I do that better than others. Some days I might physically get out of bed, but in all other ways I have done the equivalent of pulling the covers over my head and hunkering down for the rest of the day. You know? Sometimes that is as far as I get for several days.

On the other hand, when you read my blog you are likely noticing many grammatical errors and sometimes you are maybe even saying "What??" Even though I am a teacher, (and so a very bad sample of the profession) I do not revise and proofread this the way I should/would if this blog was meant to be some sort of professional thing. I have a rule. I reread it a couple of times for anything glaring at me with wrongness. If I said something blatantly stupid or offensive, I take it out. I look for things that are really confusing. And I put it through a spell-check. And that is the end of the story.

And it shows! A month later I reread it and can't believe all the errors I have let slip. But I make myself leave them like that, instead of cleaning them up. Because I know two things: that I can't afford to spend the time I would need to get it all "perfect" and that I don't want it to get too "polished." I want what I write to be a bit more honest, and I leave it a little rough on purpose. I am worried that if I get too concerned about how it looks/sounds, I might sand off the sincerity. Know what I mean? So my blog looks pretty amateur-ish and is without too many nice frills.

I hope you will forgive me for expecting you to put up with errors and typos. I hope you will remember that no matter what sort of things I go through, I'm just like everyone else. Most of the nice stuff about me, is due to God's grace and not my own efforts. If you really got to know me, I might annoy the heck out of you. I'm not perfect in any way, and just so you know, it is 10:53 on a Saturday morning, and my hair is NOT combed while I type this.

Yikes! Now I have a sudden urge to go comb my hair and fix my face! Just in case you can see me through the computer screen! I better go.