OK, we had a small scare this weekend, but I don't want anyone to get all worried after the fact. Everything is OK, at this time. So no one freak out, OK? (boy, three "OK's" in a row)
On Sunday morning I woke up with a dull back-ache and a "menstrual cramping" feeling across my abdomen. It felt exactly the the cramps I had the week before my last miscarriage, and if you look it up in the baby book, it is listed as a symptom of miscarriage.
So we were pretty worried. We went in to emergency where we discovered that Baby had a good, strong heartbeat. And that my uterus was nice and soft (and thus not having hard contractions). Which was a relief. We did blood work and a pee test in case my symptoms were the result of a UTI, and they sent us home with instructions for me to take Tylenol for the pain and to rest and take it easy. They scheduled me in for an ultra sound Monday (today).
We were feeling better as we drove home. Still a bit worried, though, as my pain was continuing and as the Dr. warned that he really couldn't say one way or the other if I were indeed losing the baby.
Today we went in for the ultrasound. I was feeling much, much better both physically and emotionally as last night the pain had greatly subsided, and this morning I no pain at all.
The ultrasound was also encouraging. They check the baby's placenta and the mommy's cervix. While technically the tech (hee hee, that sounds funny) can not diagnose anything, I took it as a very good sign that there was no emergency since they let me go without a doctor coming to talk to me. My doctor gets the final report to share the details with me, but I am pretty sure that if Baby was in danger of dropping out of me any minute, they would not have sent me off without warning me and ordering me to stay off my feet.
Baby is beautiful, by the way. I saw a face, and a brain, kidneys, a heart, bladder, tummy, arms, hands, legs, feet. :) I even saw the lips and nose.
Wanna know what I DIDN'T see? Oh, I just bet you do!! Well, first let me say that the tech warned us that the angle was not perfect, and that there is enough of a margin of error that she wouldn't record the sex of the baby on the official report. But we all agreed (even the tech) that baby did not appear able to pee standing up!
(disclaimer) NO REFUNDS IN CASE OF DISAPPOINTMENT LATER
but....
It seems that Baby is a girl!!!!
Which was a total shock to me. Seriously, I was in shock. I was expecting a boy, I think. I still can not believe it. I wanted to tell Steve to take me out to buy the cutest little dress ever, but I was afraid Baby had tricked us.
Because I can tell you that Baby has a mind of her own. She did what she wanted to do, and our ultrasound be hanged! I have never had to flip and flop on an u/s table like that before. For both boys I lay on my back and I am pretty sure I stayed there the whole time. The tech never did get one or two of the pictures of Baby's heart that she needed, because Baby just refused to turn to the right angle for her. I got up to pee to shift her, and while she did move, it didn't help. I lay on my right side, and then my left side, and then my back and then my right side and then my left side.. you get the picture. I was very amused, but now I have to go back on Friday for about 5 minutes of u/s photos. :)
In fact, she didn't let Daddy and Caeden see her face either. The tech got it and I saw it, but by the time the boys came in, she had firmly placed herself face down.
Hope you are still with me through all this details, I mostly put em in for the relatives who read this and actually care. The rest of you are welcome to have snored through the play by play.
For now, Baby is moving. I have no more cramps. And the ultrasound tech didn't look worried. So I am going to relax and not worry about it, unless there are further developments. It looks to me like a false alarm. Whew. Thank you God.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Just about half way there!
So, here I am at nineteen weeks....!
I started to feel Baby moving at about 16 weeks, and each week the movements get a bit stronger and more frequent. I am really looking forward to the day when Steve and Caeden will be able to share in that, because Baby is big enough to make his/her presence known to the outside too.
Baby continues to be more "real" to me. By which I mean that my brain is starting to conceive the idea that come some day in April, there will be a very small little human being living in my house. Which is very exciting, but of course, not without it's share of very strong emotions both positive and then the more difficult.
Because it is all a big, big unknown. And most days I feel fairly happy and excited about it. But also...
Two nights ago I had a dream about Baby's arrival. In my dream, I was newly home from hospital and was caring for Baby and nursing him (it was a boy, and NO, I DO NOT think this dream was in any way prophetic!). Then in my dream it occurred to me that I was home from the hospital and no one had even checked or tested Baby for PBD. So I put my hand on Baby's small little head and felt... huge sutures still unknit in the bones of his head and a large fontanel... In my dream it felt just EXACTLY like Joel's head had felt, even though in waking life, I have been having a hard time remembering exactly what Joel's newborn head felt like.
And then the emotions hit me. I wept, because Caeden wanted a healthy sister, and he was getting a sick little brother, another Joel. And I wept for Baby, because I love Baby so much and I want to feel a healthy little head that can grow and develop and not get sick one day and die. Of course that is what I want. And in my dream, the emotions of it hit me, and I wept.
Which made for an interesting day of thinking yesterday, after I woke up. Things do look different in the light of day, though. Thank the good Lord.
I read an adoption story recently, where a mom shared their experience with fostering to adopt. That mom was saying that people who foster adopt need to be people capable of faith. She was talking about having faith that they could love a child and let it go, faith that going back to the child's family really could be best for the child, faith that they could survive the pain of letting that child go. That sort of thing. That resonated with me.
Because this experience is all about faith for me too, only I put my faith in God, not my own abilities which are admittedly often quite sparse and unimpressive. This Baby is a child of faith. Not that I believe God will give me a healthy child, though surely I hope that very strongly. The faith part isn't believing I'll get what I wish, but rather that if I get what I do not want, there will be grace sufficient for me to be joyful and peaceful and content, not in getting what I want, but being made able to want what I have gotten. And in a sense, I am already grateful and happy with what I've got, even if it is not what I want. Confused yet?
I am believing that God is faithful and will give me the strength to care for Baby, even is there is no sleep, or even when there are doctors and symptoms and stress. I am believing that God is faithful to give me great love for Baby and still survive the pain of one day losing my child.
None of that faith makes it easier for me to suffer the stress or pain or loss. I mean, the pain of surgery hurts whether you have trust the doctor knows what he is doing or not. But it does give me courage. That is a different thing, and it is not courage that is innate or part of my character. It is courage that just springs from the trust I have in God that He has carried me through, and will carry me through, even in the darkest and most difficult parts. Even knowing already a little bit of just how dark and difficult it can be.
And it means that even though now some days are crying days as I miss Joel or think about the difficulties that lie ahead, I am still full of joy about this little one jumping around inside of me.
I still don't have my date for my ultrasound. It's gotta arrive soon, as they usually want to do it before you hit over 22 weeks. I can't wait to get that done. :) It is scary for me, and exciting too. It won't tell me if Baby has PBD, but at least I will know that major organs are all looking good.
Awhile back, Caeden admitted to Steve and I that "I was sometimes jealous of Joel." It was so good to hear him understand that and admit it so we could talk about it. Whew, what a blessing to have that in the open for him, so that when Baby arrives we can continue the discussion as necessary. Because sick or healthy baby, Caeden is bound to have some moments of jealously. Even now, as my lap gets smaller and smaller, it is a bit hard for him. I'm trying to get across the message that sitting next to mommy with her arm around you is still a good thing. What I'll do when both arms are holding Baby, only God knows! But I trust Him to share that wisdom with me, when the time comes.
BTW, my belly is HUGE. Already. Yikes! It's always like that for me, I seem enormous and I'm only halfway through. I've only gained 8 pounds, which is the lower side of average for my dates, so it's not like I'm packing on the pounds. But I'm ready to topple over with each step. Maybe one day I'll put up a front and side picture. From the front, it really doesn't look bad at all. Then you get the side shot... :) My mother in law would love to see those pictures up here.
I started to feel Baby moving at about 16 weeks, and each week the movements get a bit stronger and more frequent. I am really looking forward to the day when Steve and Caeden will be able to share in that, because Baby is big enough to make his/her presence known to the outside too.
Baby continues to be more "real" to me. By which I mean that my brain is starting to conceive the idea that come some day in April, there will be a very small little human being living in my house. Which is very exciting, but of course, not without it's share of very strong emotions both positive and then the more difficult.
Because it is all a big, big unknown. And most days I feel fairly happy and excited about it. But also...
Two nights ago I had a dream about Baby's arrival. In my dream, I was newly home from hospital and was caring for Baby and nursing him (it was a boy, and NO, I DO NOT think this dream was in any way prophetic!). Then in my dream it occurred to me that I was home from the hospital and no one had even checked or tested Baby for PBD. So I put my hand on Baby's small little head and felt... huge sutures still unknit in the bones of his head and a large fontanel... In my dream it felt just EXACTLY like Joel's head had felt, even though in waking life, I have been having a hard time remembering exactly what Joel's newborn head felt like.
And then the emotions hit me. I wept, because Caeden wanted a healthy sister, and he was getting a sick little brother, another Joel. And I wept for Baby, because I love Baby so much and I want to feel a healthy little head that can grow and develop and not get sick one day and die. Of course that is what I want. And in my dream, the emotions of it hit me, and I wept.
Which made for an interesting day of thinking yesterday, after I woke up. Things do look different in the light of day, though. Thank the good Lord.
I read an adoption story recently, where a mom shared their experience with fostering to adopt. That mom was saying that people who foster adopt need to be people capable of faith. She was talking about having faith that they could love a child and let it go, faith that going back to the child's family really could be best for the child, faith that they could survive the pain of letting that child go. That sort of thing. That resonated with me.
Because this experience is all about faith for me too, only I put my faith in God, not my own abilities which are admittedly often quite sparse and unimpressive. This Baby is a child of faith. Not that I believe God will give me a healthy child, though surely I hope that very strongly. The faith part isn't believing I'll get what I wish, but rather that if I get what I do not want, there will be grace sufficient for me to be joyful and peaceful and content, not in getting what I want, but being made able to want what I have gotten. And in a sense, I am already grateful and happy with what I've got, even if it is not what I want. Confused yet?
I am believing that God is faithful and will give me the strength to care for Baby, even is there is no sleep, or even when there are doctors and symptoms and stress. I am believing that God is faithful to give me great love for Baby and still survive the pain of one day losing my child.
None of that faith makes it easier for me to suffer the stress or pain or loss. I mean, the pain of surgery hurts whether you have trust the doctor knows what he is doing or not. But it does give me courage. That is a different thing, and it is not courage that is innate or part of my character. It is courage that just springs from the trust I have in God that He has carried me through, and will carry me through, even in the darkest and most difficult parts. Even knowing already a little bit of just how dark and difficult it can be.
And it means that even though now some days are crying days as I miss Joel or think about the difficulties that lie ahead, I am still full of joy about this little one jumping around inside of me.
I still don't have my date for my ultrasound. It's gotta arrive soon, as they usually want to do it before you hit over 22 weeks. I can't wait to get that done. :) It is scary for me, and exciting too. It won't tell me if Baby has PBD, but at least I will know that major organs are all looking good.
Awhile back, Caeden admitted to Steve and I that "I was sometimes jealous of Joel." It was so good to hear him understand that and admit it so we could talk about it. Whew, what a blessing to have that in the open for him, so that when Baby arrives we can continue the discussion as necessary. Because sick or healthy baby, Caeden is bound to have some moments of jealously. Even now, as my lap gets smaller and smaller, it is a bit hard for him. I'm trying to get across the message that sitting next to mommy with her arm around you is still a good thing. What I'll do when both arms are holding Baby, only God knows! But I trust Him to share that wisdom with me, when the time comes.
BTW, my belly is HUGE. Already. Yikes! It's always like that for me, I seem enormous and I'm only halfway through. I've only gained 8 pounds, which is the lower side of average for my dates, so it's not like I'm packing on the pounds. But I'm ready to topple over with each step. Maybe one day I'll put up a front and side picture. From the front, it really doesn't look bad at all. Then you get the side shot... :) My mother in law would love to see those pictures up here.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Peach, Fist, or Kit-Kat bar
At this point in my pregnancy, I have realized that no one really knows the size of my baby! It all depends where you look up the info. I think that is because Baby could measure (from head to bum) anywhere from 3&1/4 inches to 4 inches or so.
Anyway, I am now between week 14 and week 15. This is exciting, because once I hit week 16, I start "listening" every day to see if I can feel Baby move. Pregnancy is a lot more fun, once you can feel Baby. Though I am still having my fair share of nausea...
This week, a note came home from Kindergarten. The note asked me to supply a family picture for Caeden to take in for "Show & Tell" as part of the unit "About Me."
I sat for a few minutes mulling that over. Then I turned to tell Caeden I needed to print up a family picture for him to take to school. He told me that was not possible, because his family was too big to fit in just one picture. That made me smile, because of course, we certainly don't have any picture that has four grandparents, three uncles, three aunties and five cousins all together in it.
So I asked him, "Tell me what people do YOU think should be in the picture if it is of your family?" I hoped that my voice was neutral and that nothing betrayed my feelings. Five year olds shouldn't feel pressure from their mommies to put dead siblings into photos, right? And he said "Mommy, Daddy and me." And I said "OK, I can get you a picture like that." Hoping again that my voice was neutral. Then he said "No, wait, I want a picture of Mommy, Daddy, AND JOEL, and me." And I said "OK, I can do that for you too."
It was a blessing to hear him say that. And of course, it made me think. Because Joel is fading rapidly from his memory. In fact, he has often not recognized Joel in old pictures anymore, even though he pretty much always mentions him if someone asks about our family, or if he has any brothers or sisters. But that is because Joel is a concept he understands, but not really a person he knows...
And it is a blessing that now, he still wants to have a picture with Joel in it to show to people. Yet I know it isn't reasonable to expect a 10 year old, or especially a 15 year old Caeden to want to tell everyone about his dead sibling at "Show & Tell." He might grow up to be that sort of boy, that kid who just tells people "I had a brother who died when I was 4" but then it will continue "but I really don't remember him anymore."
And that is a blessing AND a sadness. It has been a blessing that Caeden was so young when Joel died. It causes him some anxiety, confusion, fear, etc. But at age 4, it is A LOT different losing a 2 year old brother who never could play with you, then it would have been if Caeden had been 7 or 8. He has no sorrow, today, about his brother. He might have an occasional bout of wistfulness, wishing he had a sibling to play with, etc. But he has no sorrow about it. My son has no scars on him either.
But the sadness is that Joel is only a concept and not a person to my oldest son. He can't remember Joel. The whole experience is lost to him, both the good, and the bad. A blessing, and a sadness.
Which of course brings us round to Baby. Right now, he is pretty excited about Baby. He is greatly hoping for a girl. Today, he has an older friend over playing with him. This boy is 8. And Caeden announced at lunch time, right in front of his older friend, "I hope that I get a sister, because then I can play Barbies with her." Fortunately his friend replied "I used to play Barbies with my sister."
No point in mentioning that even if Baby is a girl, by the time she wants to play Barbies, Barbies will be the LAST thing on Caeden's mind. Barbies will not be fun, but will be the supreme test of sibling loyalty and love...
Baby might not be around to play Barbies, either.
And I am going to say something shocking. I am excited to think this baby could be healthy, and to think of Caeden playing peek a boo, and patty cake, and stacking blocks with Baby and all those things. And I am ALSO excited to think about Caeden learning gentleness, patience, and unconditional love if Baby can not ever to any of those things. I feel blessed at the thought of a healthy sibling for him. And I feel blessed at the thought of a sibling that will teach him other, different lessons. Because (The Lord is on my side, I will not be afraid) either way my son will be blessed. He will just be blessed differently.
As will I. As will I. There is a blessing coming in this child. What sort of blessing I do not know. And in the middle of a long, lonely night of crying, I will not feel it. But the blessing is there, and I am trusting God in it.
P.S. If you meet me a year from now with bags under my eyes, and shoulders in tension knots, and tear stained cheeks, don't remind me I wrote this. Just put your arms around me and hug me. I'll remember I wrote this later. :)
Anyway, I am now between week 14 and week 15. This is exciting, because once I hit week 16, I start "listening" every day to see if I can feel Baby move. Pregnancy is a lot more fun, once you can feel Baby. Though I am still having my fair share of nausea...
This week, a note came home from Kindergarten. The note asked me to supply a family picture for Caeden to take in for "Show & Tell" as part of the unit "About Me."
I sat for a few minutes mulling that over. Then I turned to tell Caeden I needed to print up a family picture for him to take to school. He told me that was not possible, because his family was too big to fit in just one picture. That made me smile, because of course, we certainly don't have any picture that has four grandparents, three uncles, three aunties and five cousins all together in it.
So I asked him, "Tell me what people do YOU think should be in the picture if it is of your family?" I hoped that my voice was neutral and that nothing betrayed my feelings. Five year olds shouldn't feel pressure from their mommies to put dead siblings into photos, right? And he said "Mommy, Daddy and me." And I said "OK, I can get you a picture like that." Hoping again that my voice was neutral. Then he said "No, wait, I want a picture of Mommy, Daddy, AND JOEL, and me." And I said "OK, I can do that for you too."
It was a blessing to hear him say that. And of course, it made me think. Because Joel is fading rapidly from his memory. In fact, he has often not recognized Joel in old pictures anymore, even though he pretty much always mentions him if someone asks about our family, or if he has any brothers or sisters. But that is because Joel is a concept he understands, but not really a person he knows...
And it is a blessing that now, he still wants to have a picture with Joel in it to show to people. Yet I know it isn't reasonable to expect a 10 year old, or especially a 15 year old Caeden to want to tell everyone about his dead sibling at "Show & Tell." He might grow up to be that sort of boy, that kid who just tells people "I had a brother who died when I was 4" but then it will continue "but I really don't remember him anymore."
And that is a blessing AND a sadness. It has been a blessing that Caeden was so young when Joel died. It causes him some anxiety, confusion, fear, etc. But at age 4, it is A LOT different losing a 2 year old brother who never could play with you, then it would have been if Caeden had been 7 or 8. He has no sorrow, today, about his brother. He might have an occasional bout of wistfulness, wishing he had a sibling to play with, etc. But he has no sorrow about it. My son has no scars on him either.
But the sadness is that Joel is only a concept and not a person to my oldest son. He can't remember Joel. The whole experience is lost to him, both the good, and the bad. A blessing, and a sadness.
Which of course brings us round to Baby. Right now, he is pretty excited about Baby. He is greatly hoping for a girl. Today, he has an older friend over playing with him. This boy is 8. And Caeden announced at lunch time, right in front of his older friend, "I hope that I get a sister, because then I can play Barbies with her." Fortunately his friend replied "I used to play Barbies with my sister."
No point in mentioning that even if Baby is a girl, by the time she wants to play Barbies, Barbies will be the LAST thing on Caeden's mind. Barbies will not be fun, but will be the supreme test of sibling loyalty and love...
Baby might not be around to play Barbies, either.
And I am going to say something shocking. I am excited to think this baby could be healthy, and to think of Caeden playing peek a boo, and patty cake, and stacking blocks with Baby and all those things. And I am ALSO excited to think about Caeden learning gentleness, patience, and unconditional love if Baby can not ever to any of those things. I feel blessed at the thought of a healthy sibling for him. And I feel blessed at the thought of a sibling that will teach him other, different lessons. Because (The Lord is on my side, I will not be afraid) either way my son will be blessed. He will just be blessed differently.
As will I. As will I. There is a blessing coming in this child. What sort of blessing I do not know. And in the middle of a long, lonely night of crying, I will not feel it. But the blessing is there, and I am trusting God in it.
P.S. If you meet me a year from now with bags under my eyes, and shoulders in tension knots, and tear stained cheeks, don't remind me I wrote this. Just put your arms around me and hug me. I'll remember I wrote this later. :)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
13 Weeks
Today I had an appointment with a genetic doctor. It was not an appointment I had originally wanted. In fact, last week Thursday when I got the call telling me about the appointment, I was pretty angry about it. I thought when I had my Dr.s appointment on Wednesday, I had been pretty clear that I thought it was neither necessary nor helpful to go see a genetic specialist.
After all, 1. Steve and I were keeping the baby "as is." 2. We were not willing to do any invasive testing, because invasive testing carries a risk, and see #1. and 3. there is no non-invasive test that can tell us what we really want to know, which is if our baby has a PBD or not.
But still, I ended up with an appointment. And as the week went on, my attitude improved. Specially when I finally just decided to take my book of picture of Joel. I figured if I had to listen to a whole speech about genetic testing, I could at least have the opportunity to share Joel. And instead of feeling upset that I might have to "justify" my choice, I could feel thankful for a chance to share a different view of what this pregnancy and baby could mean.
So I went, and the appointment was a pleasant surprise to me.
To be fair, I expected it to be more of the same thing I got from my Dr. Who is very kind, but appeared skeptical when I said we wanted to keep the pregnancy. Who, even though there was an excited look on my face about the baby's heartbeat, even though I cried tears of joy at it, even though I don't think there was anything but sincere happiness when I told her we were keeping the pregnancy no matter what, STILL felt it necessary to say things like: "well, you still might want testing so that that you can really think about the decision. And then when the results come back, if you start to feel things are too stressful, or you start to worry about how it will affect your family, you can still change your mind."
And I thought "If I go in to Mr. Genetic Specialist and he starts saying that sort of thing to me, I will vomit."
But he didn't. He totally took me by surprise, actually. I didn't have to wait a minute to see him. I went in and sat down, and you know the first thing he said to me? He said "So, tell me from your perspective why you have this appointment to see me today?" And after that, everything just went well. :)
I told him that I thought I was there in order to make my Dr. feel better. Yup, I was just honest and up front. I explained that we were keeping the baby, and that we had been thinking about our decision for several years before we even decided to get pregnant. We chatted about the pros and cons of doing the non-invasive screening for Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc. And he was really up front and honest about just how many "false positives" there were if you didn't take it a step further to an amnio. He even warned me that some women find it more worrying than helpful in the case that they were not going to test further.
The best part of it all was that he never gave me the slightest inkling that he was secretly thinking "Oh, you must not have thought this through" or "Are you in denial about the risks?" or "It's not a good decision not to test and then make a choice." I'm pretty good at reading people, and I didn't get a sniff of that. Instead, I really felt like he respected my decision, and trusted that I was happy with it. I don't think he thought I was crazy, or being "forced" to keep my baby through misguided "religious" principles.
In fact (though we both knew there are no guarantees), he said the nicest, most "You are not crazy" thing to me when I left. He said "The odds are in your favor for a healthy baby. If I were to lay money on it, I would have to put my money on the baby being healthy." And even though I know that for every good statistic, there is a different stat, and that stat has a face, still, it was really nice to hear that from a genetic specialist. And I could tell him that even if the baby were not healthy, we felt that Joel had been a blessing to us. And I was happy to be able to say that, too.
Oh, and another nice perk to the visit was that he told me he'd be sending a letter to my Dr. outlining our discussion and decision. (read between the lines, the issue is dealt with and closed!) And that he would be sending a letter to Joel's genetic/metabolic specialist that said that we were expecting again. And that was really great to know.
And isn't this really odd? After my appointment, the pregnancy really seemed real to me. (Maybe because something I had been dreading for months now had been dealt with.) And a little bit exciting, I gotta say. I think sometime this week, I will go out and do a little baby shopping. Not too much, because we don't know boy or girl. But just a little. Because I find myself in the mood....
I find myself feeling very, very thankful. Missing Joel, but so grateful for his life. And so grateful for another chance to have a child. God is good.
After all, 1. Steve and I were keeping the baby "as is." 2. We were not willing to do any invasive testing, because invasive testing carries a risk, and see #1. and 3. there is no non-invasive test that can tell us what we really want to know, which is if our baby has a PBD or not.
But still, I ended up with an appointment. And as the week went on, my attitude improved. Specially when I finally just decided to take my book of picture of Joel. I figured if I had to listen to a whole speech about genetic testing, I could at least have the opportunity to share Joel. And instead of feeling upset that I might have to "justify" my choice, I could feel thankful for a chance to share a different view of what this pregnancy and baby could mean.
So I went, and the appointment was a pleasant surprise to me.
To be fair, I expected it to be more of the same thing I got from my Dr. Who is very kind, but appeared skeptical when I said we wanted to keep the pregnancy. Who, even though there was an excited look on my face about the baby's heartbeat, even though I cried tears of joy at it, even though I don't think there was anything but sincere happiness when I told her we were keeping the pregnancy no matter what, STILL felt it necessary to say things like: "well, you still might want testing so that that you can really think about the decision. And then when the results come back, if you start to feel things are too stressful, or you start to worry about how it will affect your family, you can still change your mind."
And I thought "If I go in to Mr. Genetic Specialist and he starts saying that sort of thing to me, I will vomit."
But he didn't. He totally took me by surprise, actually. I didn't have to wait a minute to see him. I went in and sat down, and you know the first thing he said to me? He said "So, tell me from your perspective why you have this appointment to see me today?" And after that, everything just went well. :)
I told him that I thought I was there in order to make my Dr. feel better. Yup, I was just honest and up front. I explained that we were keeping the baby, and that we had been thinking about our decision for several years before we even decided to get pregnant. We chatted about the pros and cons of doing the non-invasive screening for Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc. And he was really up front and honest about just how many "false positives" there were if you didn't take it a step further to an amnio. He even warned me that some women find it more worrying than helpful in the case that they were not going to test further.
The best part of it all was that he never gave me the slightest inkling that he was secretly thinking "Oh, you must not have thought this through" or "Are you in denial about the risks?" or "It's not a good decision not to test and then make a choice." I'm pretty good at reading people, and I didn't get a sniff of that. Instead, I really felt like he respected my decision, and trusted that I was happy with it. I don't think he thought I was crazy, or being "forced" to keep my baby through misguided "religious" principles.
In fact (though we both knew there are no guarantees), he said the nicest, most "You are not crazy" thing to me when I left. He said "The odds are in your favor for a healthy baby. If I were to lay money on it, I would have to put my money on the baby being healthy." And even though I know that for every good statistic, there is a different stat, and that stat has a face, still, it was really nice to hear that from a genetic specialist. And I could tell him that even if the baby were not healthy, we felt that Joel had been a blessing to us. And I was happy to be able to say that, too.
Oh, and another nice perk to the visit was that he told me he'd be sending a letter to my Dr. outlining our discussion and decision. (read between the lines, the issue is dealt with and closed!) And that he would be sending a letter to Joel's genetic/metabolic specialist that said that we were expecting again. And that was really great to know.
And isn't this really odd? After my appointment, the pregnancy really seemed real to me. (Maybe because something I had been dreading for months now had been dealt with.) And a little bit exciting, I gotta say. I think sometime this week, I will go out and do a little baby shopping. Not too much, because we don't know boy or girl. But just a little. Because I find myself in the mood....
I find myself feeling very, very thankful. Missing Joel, but so grateful for his life. And so grateful for another chance to have a child. God is good.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
12 Weeks
So, today was back to the doctor for the real deal check up. I can say that the good news is that my blood pressure was normal. That surprised me. I keep expecting it to be high! Everything else seemed OK on preliminary exam, though of course, some results I will have to wait to get.
We heard the heart beat once again, and Caeden got to hear it too.
So the pregnancy is starting to feel more real, more like a baby really is going to arrive in April.
And today the doctor brought up the subject of my age, and testing for some of the things my age makes baby at higher risk for. Ugh. A talk I had been dreading. My emotional reactions are so crazy. I told her about Joel and what my real concern is (one in 200 for DS vs 1 in 4 for PBD). I said it all without any tears or choking up. And not until she got into her spiel about the different tests, etc. did I feel tears suddenly well up in my eyes. And then, of course, I thought, get a gripe girl! THIS is not the time or place to cry! And I didn't cry till I got in the car to drive home... I cried for Joel, and I cried for baby, because I love baby and never what to let baby go either.
So today I was re-debating the issue to test or not to test. I checked with the nicest Dr. ever, Dr. Raymond from KKI in the states who confirmed what I suspected. There is NO non-invasive test for PBD. And though I really, really would like to know if this baby is healthy or not before it arrives, I really couldn't take the chance that my baby would be the one in a hundred or two hundred that miscarried because of a test that is not necessary for us.
There is only one solution that I can see here. Time. If I wait till April, I'll know for sure.
Meantime, I may/may not be feeling better. I still can't say for sure, still having good days/bad days. But food does seem to slowly be regaining it's appeal. Though my weight today was 161 lbs, just a pound or two higher than what I started with, my pants. have. got. to. go. Oh yeah. I LOVE these jeans, but they are just not cutting it anymore.
And I feel secure enough now, to at least go out and buy a pair of pregnancy jeans. If I can find any that fit. All the ones loaned to me are about an inch to short. :( I don't want to wear flood pants for the whole pregnancy. Anyone know any company that is sane enough to understand that even taller people get pregnant and that not everyone in the world has a 32 inch inseam???
And last of all: YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!! A BABY IS COMING!!!!
(I think) ;)
We heard the heart beat once again, and Caeden got to hear it too.
So the pregnancy is starting to feel more real, more like a baby really is going to arrive in April.
And today the doctor brought up the subject of my age, and testing for some of the things my age makes baby at higher risk for. Ugh. A talk I had been dreading. My emotional reactions are so crazy. I told her about Joel and what my real concern is (one in 200 for DS vs 1 in 4 for PBD). I said it all without any tears or choking up. And not until she got into her spiel about the different tests, etc. did I feel tears suddenly well up in my eyes. And then, of course, I thought, get a gripe girl! THIS is not the time or place to cry! And I didn't cry till I got in the car to drive home... I cried for Joel, and I cried for baby, because I love baby and never what to let baby go either.
So today I was re-debating the issue to test or not to test. I checked with the nicest Dr. ever, Dr. Raymond from KKI in the states who confirmed what I suspected. There is NO non-invasive test for PBD. And though I really, really would like to know if this baby is healthy or not before it arrives, I really couldn't take the chance that my baby would be the one in a hundred or two hundred that miscarried because of a test that is not necessary for us.
There is only one solution that I can see here. Time. If I wait till April, I'll know for sure.
Meantime, I may/may not be feeling better. I still can't say for sure, still having good days/bad days. But food does seem to slowly be regaining it's appeal. Though my weight today was 161 lbs, just a pound or two higher than what I started with, my pants. have. got. to. go. Oh yeah. I LOVE these jeans, but they are just not cutting it anymore.
And I feel secure enough now, to at least go out and buy a pair of pregnancy jeans. If I can find any that fit. All the ones loaned to me are about an inch to short. :( I don't want to wear flood pants for the whole pregnancy. Anyone know any company that is sane enough to understand that even taller people get pregnant and that not everyone in the world has a 32 inch inseam???
And last of all: YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!! A BABY IS COMING!!!!
(I think) ;)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Lime
Well, I am sitting here and drinking a very nice ginger ale float. Just thought I'd share that little tidbit with you. :)
Baby is about 11 weeks old. Making baby about the size of a large lime. It totally blows me away how baby could sit easily in the palm of my hand, and I'd barely notice any weight, but baby has all major organs developed, and I'd see tiny, tiny little feet and hands, eyes, ears, nose and mouth if baby were in my hand. But I still wouldn't be able to tell, boy or girl.
Today I went to my first doctor appointment. To sum it up, it was sort of like going to a banquet put on by Queen Esther. Which means I went in and peed in a cup, gave blood, and had to make another appointment for next Wednesday to have the "internal exam." In fact, my doc didn't even bother checking my blood pressure!
My doctor was, apparently, very busy today. My appointment was for 9:15, but she didn't want into the room until about 10:20. I had read all three magazines. So, back again next week for the real down and dirty part of the exam. Yaaaay... something to look forward to...
But here is the good news. She DID take out that magical little Doppler machine and she DID find the baby's heartbeat!!! (I gotta get me one of those! Wonder how much they really cost, because I'd use my every single day if I had one!) There really is a baby! It is true, and all this suffering was actually for a good cause after all.
A heartbeat = good news! But still not an all clear for our health as I am missing some components of the exam. And of course, a heart beat does NOT = a healthy baby. Just a living baby with a 95% chance of being born sometime around April 15th, according to my doctor. At this point, I'll take it. Any good news is good news, after all.
Now that I feel OK about looking at maternity clothes and letting people know I am pregnant and thinking about baby stuff... I wonder how it will be. Last pregnancy let me tell you what happened those first weeks. Those first weeks I didn't really feel worried or freaked out about if the baby might have a PBD. Instead, those first weeks I just re-lived my pregnancy with Joel. And I mourned Joel. And I missed Joel. I thought a lot about his birth, and how I had thought he was a healthy little boy.
I suspect that the next weeks will bring more of that. I still grieve Joel, and another baby seems to really bring those feelings out.
Do you know what I have been worried about? Not whether baby is sick or healthy, but rather whether I will be glad if baby has a PBD, because deep inside I am trying to "replace" Joel. Like I miss him so much and want him back so much, and I hope a baby with PBD will fill that void. That is the dark place that I have examined ever since we decided to have another child the good ole fashioned way.
The truth is, when I think of baby, I think of baby's birth. I think of cuddling baby and I think of dressing baby in tiny outfits and getting up all night to feed baby. And that is as far as I can go at this time. Because right now, that is what I want and can have.
I'm pretty sure if baby is healthy, I will be overjoyed anyhow. The truth is, I just have a hard time imagining baby at any stage over about three months at this time. My big question is: Will I need a breast pump or not?
I cried in the doc's office when we finally heard the heart beat (because it can take a little bit to find that sucker!). I was so relieved to hear it. So for today, I will say "Welcome Baby Lime! Make yourself at home in there, and any time you are are ready to take over the hormone manufacture on your own, is good with me. Then Mommy can feed you some really good food for a change. Instead of ginger ale floats and popcorn."
Baby is about 11 weeks old. Making baby about the size of a large lime. It totally blows me away how baby could sit easily in the palm of my hand, and I'd barely notice any weight, but baby has all major organs developed, and I'd see tiny, tiny little feet and hands, eyes, ears, nose and mouth if baby were in my hand. But I still wouldn't be able to tell, boy or girl.
Today I went to my first doctor appointment. To sum it up, it was sort of like going to a banquet put on by Queen Esther. Which means I went in and peed in a cup, gave blood, and had to make another appointment for next Wednesday to have the "internal exam." In fact, my doc didn't even bother checking my blood pressure!
My doctor was, apparently, very busy today. My appointment was for 9:15, but she didn't want into the room until about 10:20. I had read all three magazines. So, back again next week for the real down and dirty part of the exam. Yaaaay... something to look forward to...
But here is the good news. She DID take out that magical little Doppler machine and she DID find the baby's heartbeat!!! (I gotta get me one of those! Wonder how much they really cost, because I'd use my every single day if I had one!) There really is a baby! It is true, and all this suffering was actually for a good cause after all.
A heartbeat = good news! But still not an all clear for our health as I am missing some components of the exam. And of course, a heart beat does NOT = a healthy baby. Just a living baby with a 95% chance of being born sometime around April 15th, according to my doctor. At this point, I'll take it. Any good news is good news, after all.
Now that I feel OK about looking at maternity clothes and letting people know I am pregnant and thinking about baby stuff... I wonder how it will be. Last pregnancy let me tell you what happened those first weeks. Those first weeks I didn't really feel worried or freaked out about if the baby might have a PBD. Instead, those first weeks I just re-lived my pregnancy with Joel. And I mourned Joel. And I missed Joel. I thought a lot about his birth, and how I had thought he was a healthy little boy.
I suspect that the next weeks will bring more of that. I still grieve Joel, and another baby seems to really bring those feelings out.
Do you know what I have been worried about? Not whether baby is sick or healthy, but rather whether I will be glad if baby has a PBD, because deep inside I am trying to "replace" Joel. Like I miss him so much and want him back so much, and I hope a baby with PBD will fill that void. That is the dark place that I have examined ever since we decided to have another child the good ole fashioned way.
The truth is, when I think of baby, I think of baby's birth. I think of cuddling baby and I think of dressing baby in tiny outfits and getting up all night to feed baby. And that is as far as I can go at this time. Because right now, that is what I want and can have.
I'm pretty sure if baby is healthy, I will be overjoyed anyhow. The truth is, I just have a hard time imagining baby at any stage over about three months at this time. My big question is: Will I need a breast pump or not?
I cried in the doc's office when we finally heard the heart beat (because it can take a little bit to find that sucker!). I was so relieved to hear it. So for today, I will say "Welcome Baby Lime! Make yourself at home in there, and any time you are are ready to take over the hormone manufacture on your own, is good with me. Then Mommy can feed you some really good food for a change. Instead of ginger ale floats and popcorn."
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Plum
There is both joy and trepidation as I type that title. Joy, because if all is well, that is the size of the little one inside of me. Trepidation, because I have not yet heard the heartbeat and have all sorts of worries and fears that I shall find something horrible out at my first doctor's appointment a week from now.
So, we are 10 weeks along. I am doing OK. I feel really crappy. All. Day. Long. I don't know how my husband can stand my whining and whinging consistently and all the time. This time I have a lot more nausea, along with the killer indigestion pains. And let me say, ****warning, grossness alert**** that I have very much impressed my son with my ability to pass gas on either end. Oh yes. His eyes have this gleam of admiration every time. Thank goodness I spend my days with a five year old, and not in a board room.... Many a time I have reminded myself of my grandpa. He took Dioval and had very loud belches...
Anyhow, I feel nasty, and the only position I feel comfortable in is lying down. And once I am down, I don't want to get up, because there is something about going from prone to standing that really brings on the nausea. Just like brushing my teeth. But this time I am being really clever. I have purchased children's toothpaste, the kind you can swallow. I don't swallow it, by the way. But it works because it doesn't do that dreadful foaming thing that regular toothpaste does. Foamy toothpaste really kicks in my ralphing reflex.
Thanks to listening to me complain. I don't suffer in silence. I prefer to suffer in technicolour, with lots of cheering going on. Yup. But seriously, I know, I know. How fortunate am I to be pregnant? I so am. I so am. Don't think I don't know that.
On the other hand, I have had a hard time getting excited or looking forward to anything, because, well, so many things seem possible to have go wrong. Not only have I been wondering and maybe almost expecting to lose the pregnancy like last time, but then there are the other crazy thoughts.
For example: I am feeling REALLY HUGE. I am ready to bust out the pregnancy clothes, my regular pants are so not comfortable. My uterus is not yet out of my pelvis, but I look 5 months pregnant. One of the reasons I decided to come out of the pregnancy closet was that trying not to look pregnant this last week just got to be too much suffering. I am ready for sweat pants and big shirts. In fact, even my "comfy" elastic pants feel uncomfortable as they press on my pain-riddled intestines. So now you know!
And so, what thoughts do I have about this? Well, I wonder to myself if what has happened to me is that a huge tumor is growing in my abdomen. Yup. You heard me right. Maybe what I think is a pregnancy is really some weird cancer that causes strange hormone reactions in my body and is filling up my abdominal cavity. Maybe that is the real reason I feel so absolutely ill. Because it is hard to believe, you gotta admit, that something fabulous like a baby could make you feel so much like your digestive system has a serious viral attack that just won't go away.
So I am glad I am finally headed to the doctor next week. I am hoping there will be a heartbeat (though there might not be at 11 weeks). I am hoping when she pokes around and investigates things I don't hear a sharply indrawn breathe with the muttered words "Good Heavens!" I am expecting her to tell me my blood pressure is too high, because I might really be that nervous.
It's not like I have been stressing all the way til now. I so couldn't even believe it was real. I couldn't stress that there was a problem with the baby because I wasn't excited about the baby because I couldn't believe there was a baby and that I was not merely suffering 5 weeks of indigestion for nothing. I'm only stressing now because I am almost at 10 weeks and have not lost the pregnancy yet, which makes it begin to sink in... and oddly and conversely, makes it seem that much more dangerous and precarious for bad news.
Someone said to me that if I was meant to have another baby I would. I sure can't disagree with that. But of course, the trouble is if you want to be meant to have a baby and then everything goes ka-blooey! And if you really want NOT to be meant to have some strange internal cancer... ya know? I know that God is taking care of us. Everyday I watch Caeden walk to school, I am overwhelmed by a fierce joy in the wonderful gift God has given me in my oldest child. Even as I still feel so blessed to have had Joel, even with all the pain. I am abundantly blessed. I am very grateful. And very human. So I can't wait until that doctor's appointment is over with. :) (not that it is any guarantee either, but hey, I got take it a week at a time!)
So, we are 10 weeks along. I am doing OK. I feel really crappy. All. Day. Long. I don't know how my husband can stand my whining and whinging consistently and all the time. This time I have a lot more nausea, along with the killer indigestion pains. And let me say, ****warning, grossness alert**** that I have very much impressed my son with my ability to pass gas on either end. Oh yes. His eyes have this gleam of admiration every time. Thank goodness I spend my days with a five year old, and not in a board room.... Many a time I have reminded myself of my grandpa. He took Dioval and had very loud belches...
Anyhow, I feel nasty, and the only position I feel comfortable in is lying down. And once I am down, I don't want to get up, because there is something about going from prone to standing that really brings on the nausea. Just like brushing my teeth. But this time I am being really clever. I have purchased children's toothpaste, the kind you can swallow. I don't swallow it, by the way. But it works because it doesn't do that dreadful foaming thing that regular toothpaste does. Foamy toothpaste really kicks in my ralphing reflex.
Thanks to listening to me complain. I don't suffer in silence. I prefer to suffer in technicolour, with lots of cheering going on. Yup. But seriously, I know, I know. How fortunate am I to be pregnant? I so am. I so am. Don't think I don't know that.
On the other hand, I have had a hard time getting excited or looking forward to anything, because, well, so many things seem possible to have go wrong. Not only have I been wondering and maybe almost expecting to lose the pregnancy like last time, but then there are the other crazy thoughts.
For example: I am feeling REALLY HUGE. I am ready to bust out the pregnancy clothes, my regular pants are so not comfortable. My uterus is not yet out of my pelvis, but I look 5 months pregnant. One of the reasons I decided to come out of the pregnancy closet was that trying not to look pregnant this last week just got to be too much suffering. I am ready for sweat pants and big shirts. In fact, even my "comfy" elastic pants feel uncomfortable as they press on my pain-riddled intestines. So now you know!
And so, what thoughts do I have about this? Well, I wonder to myself if what has happened to me is that a huge tumor is growing in my abdomen. Yup. You heard me right. Maybe what I think is a pregnancy is really some weird cancer that causes strange hormone reactions in my body and is filling up my abdominal cavity. Maybe that is the real reason I feel so absolutely ill. Because it is hard to believe, you gotta admit, that something fabulous like a baby could make you feel so much like your digestive system has a serious viral attack that just won't go away.
So I am glad I am finally headed to the doctor next week. I am hoping there will be a heartbeat (though there might not be at 11 weeks). I am hoping when she pokes around and investigates things I don't hear a sharply indrawn breathe with the muttered words "Good Heavens!" I am expecting her to tell me my blood pressure is too high, because I might really be that nervous.
It's not like I have been stressing all the way til now. I so couldn't even believe it was real. I couldn't stress that there was a problem with the baby because I wasn't excited about the baby because I couldn't believe there was a baby and that I was not merely suffering 5 weeks of indigestion for nothing. I'm only stressing now because I am almost at 10 weeks and have not lost the pregnancy yet, which makes it begin to sink in... and oddly and conversely, makes it seem that much more dangerous and precarious for bad news.
Someone said to me that if I was meant to have another baby I would. I sure can't disagree with that. But of course, the trouble is if you want to be meant to have a baby and then everything goes ka-blooey! And if you really want NOT to be meant to have some strange internal cancer... ya know? I know that God is taking care of us. Everyday I watch Caeden walk to school, I am overwhelmed by a fierce joy in the wonderful gift God has given me in my oldest child. Even as I still feel so blessed to have had Joel, even with all the pain. I am abundantly blessed. I am very grateful. And very human. So I can't wait until that doctor's appointment is over with. :) (not that it is any guarantee either, but hey, I got take it a week at a time!)
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