Funeral Day

First of, I want to apologize because something is up with my blog and spacing, and I can't figure out how to fix it. It is so annoying to me, because it's so hard to read one big jumble without any paragraphs. I'm so sorry, but tonight I was too tired to try more than a cursory attempt to fix it. I know I said I'd put the service on here, with the video, and I really will. Tonight, though, I'm just too tired to attempt anything like that. I realized how much work that is going to be for me. So it'll be posted here sometime in the next week. And I might just post it in segments. It was a long service, so we'll see how much I include, etc. But I do want to share it with you blog readers from "out of town." It was actually a good day. I know that sounds strange, and maybe some of you are horrified, but the truth is, it was. It was a sad day, yes. But it was a good day. It was so good to show everyone our wonderful little boy. To show them the pictures and remember all the beautiful things. It was good to see family and friends and supporters, all there for us, coming along beside us to say good-bye to such an important person. There were hard moments, of course. Carrying the coffin to the graveside, the last time I will get to carry my Joel's little body anywhere. On one hand, that was hard. But it was also so clear to us, at the viewing and today, that as much as we loved that little body, it really was only the house for Joel to live in. His spirit was the part of him that truly mattered and that we truly loved. Seeing that so clearly made it easier to give his body up. It is the person he was that we really loved and he is now beyond our reach. There was a lot of joy in the day. It gave me great joy to hear both sets of grandparents speak about my son and his life. It gave me great joy to be able to sing my heart out for him and for God. God granted me the ability to sing. I never would have thought it possible. I know I wrote a blog about how for so long I could not really sing to Joel. My throat just closed off, the words just wouldn't choke out. Today I was able to sing my heart out. I'm glad the people attending were patient. We really did sing for about half an hour. I think it was a bit shocking/surprising for some of them, so they gave me a good gift in letting us celebrate what God has done with allowing me to be Joel's mommy here on earth for 2 and a half years. Today was a much easier day for me, than the day Joel died. That day was much, much harder. Considering how hard that day was, I guess there is still room for a lot of difficulty in today. But there was still a lot of joy. It is the days ahead that will truly be hard. The days when I am at home, and I have to remember Joel alone. Those are the days my heart will be swallowed up in longing. Those are the days my empty arms will give me the pacing fits. The pacing fits can make you crazy. Those are the days when praying might get tough. So please, do not forget me. In the meantime, I can't wait to put up the video I made for you. I am just so proud of my beautiful boy, and I want to share that with you. Thanks for reading and supporting me. And big thanks to all who did attend the funeral. I really was SO, SO HAPPY to see you there, and know that you could celebrate Joel with me. I just wish I had more time today to speak to you all. It meant a lot to me.