The March of Time.

I can only say that I remain super frustrated with my blog. Do any of you other bloggers know what has happened to me?? No matter how many times I put the spacing in, it won't save or publish it that way. So sorry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I can't believe that it has been over a week since Joel died. Time seems to be rushing forward and leaving my little boy farther and farther in the past. This is a sad and frightening sort of feeling. A week ago he died. Before I know it, it will be a month, months, a year, years, on and on. It feels like he is rushing away from me in time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But the truth is that the moment he died, he was in a place I can not reach, even if I could make time stand still. The moment I saw the last light go out of his eyes, in that moment there was a complete separation from me. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Still, the passage of time seems as if it were robbing me of my son. It's hard not to feel that way. And I know people say "He'll live on in your heart and memories." Memories are precious, and I will love him forever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------But the truth is that our minds are not always very reliable instruments, and when it comes to memories, this is particularly true. Almost the minute after the funeral director took my son's body, I felt like I could no longer clearly picture his face. This is the awful truth about memories here on earth. They dim. They fade. And as time goes on we just remember less and less. Not that my love for my son is less, and neither will be my longing. But the imprint of his fingers in my hand is fading. The sound of his voice is blurry. The way his body felt when I held him is still there, but I can see the edges of the feeling will soon fray away. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In fact, this is the very reason that time rushing by makes me feel so far from my son. It is not really time, but the way my mind can not hold on to my son, now that he is beyond my reach. If my physical arms can't keep him, I want my mind to hold him clearly. But this is not the way it works. I will always have some memories, I'm not saying that. And it will be some time yet before things blur and dim too much. The point it, I can already feel it starting, and it's only been a week. This is a frightening feeling when you lose a loved one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Some people think that when we die, or when God takes us to be with Him, we sort of get a memory wipe. I've heard people say that they don't think they will remember anything of earth, for "how could God let us have memories of all the pain and sadness and bad things." The point being that we'd just have something unpleasant in our minds if we remember earth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------So like something like the memory wipe in "Men in Black," God will take away all traces of our life on earth from our minds/spirits. The Bible really doesn't say this. I won't get too dogmatic, because much about our life after death is not made clear in the Bible. It's made CERTAIN. But it's not made CLEAR, and there is a difference. So I'm not quoting the Bible here. I can't state things that haven't been directly stated in the Bible with too much dogma.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But I think the opposite will happen when we get to heaven. I don't think we'll lose our memories of our life on earth. I think we will receive each and every one back, clear, pristine and complete. I don't think these memories will make us feel bad or sad, if we have been forgiven of our sins by God. Those things can't sting us anymore. But they will be a wonderful witness to us of what we were saved out of and from. Heaven will be so sweet because we'll remember earth so clearly and thus will be able to see how fabulous it is to finally be there and not here on earth any more. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The story of redemption, of being set free from our evil natures and the sin that chained us down, that story is so beautiful. The plan is wonderful. I don't think God would ever want us to lose a story that He wrote with so much grace and love.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And with that, I think that all my memories of Joel will come back. Of course, I'll have the real Joel, as well, and that will be the best part of it. But I am also sure that every memory of everything with Joel, will be restored. And seeing him in person AND remembering everything with him, will be so wonderful.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, I'm trying to remember that time is not stealing my memories. Time is only borrowing them. One day, time will have to give them back to me. And instead of every day rushing me further from Joel, I'm remembering that every day is without Joel is one down until the time I see him again. I don't know how many sleeps it is until that day. But the passing of time, though it robs me now, is really my friend. For now, I am left with pictures and videos and the warped files of my mind. One day, clarity. AND my son, held again in my arms.