I've said that things are "surreal," meaning to me that my brain has a grasp of facts that my heart has not. In the strangest way, at times, because I can not believe Joel is gone, it is hard to believe he ever was here. This is so difficult to explain, but I'm just going to give it a shot, anyway. At times, I do feel that intense longing that we call "missing" someone. But, I think because it is so hard to understand that Joel is really gone, more often I just have this "hollow" feeling.
How to describe this hollow feeling.... I don't know. It's a feeling that I SHOULD have a feeling, but....? I don't know that I'd say it is excruciatingly painful, but it surely is uncomfortable. Instead of missing Joel, it feels like I'm missing something more basic and fundamental. I'm missing a feeling I should somehow be having, but it's just empty and hollow in that place.
I actually prefer the crying times to this hollow feeling. Though those can get pretty painful too. I'm not going to say that I enjoy the pain that brings the tears. But when the hollow feeling comes, then I seek ways to find the pain. I'd rather cry than feel hollow. I can go to Joel's crib and hold his blankets. Look at pictures and videos. Sometimes this works. More often it doesn't.
In fact, this missing him almost feels more like he was erased all together. Like I had something so beautiful and wondrous, but it was erased from my memory, and now all I have is this niggling feeling that I have lost something precious and special. Maybe people with amnesia feel this way?
It's not that I don't remember Joel. It's different. It's that he's no longer HERE. And because his departure is inconceivable, it makes his existence here at all seem somehow unreal. Like he was a dream, a very good dream, but now I am awake. Just like after a particularly powerful dream, I'm rubbing my head and wondering, "Did that really happen?" as it slowly fades away.
And so, at times, I chase down Grief, that great reluctant cat. I dig for him under beds and couches, in pictures and drawers. He dashes up the stairs, but once I get up there he has vanished. I wish to catch him, even to be clawed, because the thing is, pain is so real. And if I feel pain, then I know that Joel was here, deep in my life and my heart.
Of course, you know that I don't seriously doubt Joel's existence for a minute. I'm just trying to describe what is so indescribable: FEELINGS. The new and strange ones that don't have a simple label like "anger" or "fear" or "happy."
These particular feelings, the ones where I feel a hollow feeling, a fading dream sadness, a feeling amnesia, these feelings are why I love to be able to talk to people about Joel. Talking about him to someone places me on a solid foundation. Remembering him, and sharing the happiness and the pain of life with him makes it more real. Someone has caught that naughty nasty kitty, and placed him squarely in my arms. Here he is, he exists, I have a hold on him, he is not a phantom cat, but real. And thus Joel's life with us is firmly real too.
And if I every finally catch that querulous old tom firmly enough to really feel racked by grief, to sob great gusty sobs, to FEEL the pain for awhile so strongly, then for awhile, the hollow dream fading sadness leaves me... And that is a relief.
Oh, yeah, and here is a picture or two.
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