Stones

I've been thinking about how to describe what it is like to live with someone with a progressive illness. No, not just someone. A loved one. What it is like to live with someone you love very much who is terminally ill. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Of course, in trying to describe that experience, I'd have to cover a lot of different journeys. Because sometimes they can be very different. People can be told they have two weeks to live. And people can be told they have ten years to live. And every illness has it's own particular symptoms and difficulties. So it might be sort of arrogant for me to even try and explain it. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Still, I want to try and describe it a bit. So, here goes nothing! `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Imagine that out of the blue, you and a loved one, your mate, your child, your sibling, or a parent, just pick someone close to you, and imagine that you are picked up off the street one day and taken to a strange and secret destination. A country you have never been. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` And your captors tell you that you and your loved one must now start a journey before YOU can return back to home and "your life." Your loved one, however, will NOT be allowed to return with you. You are assured that your loved one will be released as well, free at last, but can never return to your own country. The moment you have finally finished this journey and are about to be released, you will be forever parted from them. These are the conditions of for both of you to eventually be released: separation. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Added to these conditions, they continue to explain, you will need to stop off along the way at certain check points where you will be directed to the next step. They refuse to tell you how long this journey will be exactly, or what places you are travelling through, or much of a description of the terrain. Though of course, you know that captors this cruel will not make any of this easy. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` So you set out on your journey. And while you travel you discover another rule. You are allowed to eat good food and enough of it. But your loved one only gets a meager diet which can not really give them much strength. And so, as time goes on, they become more and more tired. You wish very much that you could give them some of your good food, but this is not allowed. Instead you must watch them, helplessly, as they grow weaker, and weaker, but must continue on this journey. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Then you start coming up to the "checkpoints." And you discover at each checkpoint there is another rule in place. At each checkpoint, you discover one or two large stones. At times, you both must load a stone into your pack. At times, you are allow to carry the stone for your loved one. You do this gladly, afraid to complain about it, happy to somehow ease the burden. Many times your captors allow you to take the stone, instead of giving to your loved one. But every now and then, no matter how much you ask, they force your loved one to carry another stone. You can do nothing but watch them struggle to manage. And sometimes, as I have already stated, you both must carry a new stone. `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Sometimes the terrain is rough. Sometimes it is uphill. Other times it seems flat and almost easy. And you never know, from day to day, what sort of places you will be travelling through. But no matter if the road is harder or easier, you know it is invariably leading one direction: AWAY from your loved one. `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` And so you journey along, for days, and days, and days. At every checkpoint there is ANOTHER stone. And as time goes on, you are getting more and more tired. Things are getting harder and harder, but you don't know how many more checkpoints or stones you'll have to bear. With every step, you get stronger at carrying the stones as well. You find yourself in a strange and precarious balance between learning to carry more and more rocks and being able to do so, and between becoming completely exhausted and worn out beyond bearing. Sometimes you think the tiniest pebble might upset that balance. `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` But you do your best not to focus too much on yourself, or be too negative, because your loved one must do this journey too, and on half rations. You try, amidst stones and hunger, to enjoy this journey somehow. Because at the end, you return to your "normal" life, but at the end, you will not see your loved one again for a long, long time. And so, you must find precious moments here, you must share love and joy somehow in spite of the burden you carry and the pain you see on the dear face beside you. Somehow this journey is precious? Because it is the last one you will get with your loved one, stones and all. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I think telling you that this journey with a degenerative illness is like carrying a backpack that keeps getting loaded with another rock, all the while seeing your loved on forced to continue on with half rations, I think that is the closest analogy I can think of for what it is like. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` If you know me well, you may have noted that I didn't mention anything about God in this analogy. Well, I was trying to explain what something very difficult is like. I wasn't trying to explain what having God beside me every step of the way is like. That would be a very different analogy. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I can tell you that my strength to carry those stones came from the Lord. And if you don't believe God exists or is involved personally in life here on earth, you will just attribute this to a religious and "modest" view of myself and the world. You will think either that I just have some sort of strength of character that I mistakenly attribute to a Supreme Being. Or you will think that I get strength through my religious beliefs just because I have them. Sort of a placebo effect, I guess. `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` And I'm not sure there is any analogy in the world that could convince you otherwise. Certainly, I do know other people who don't believe God exists and they somehow make it through the journey, with all the stones, and with the terrible loss at the end, and they still manage to be loving people who do many good things. I have to grant you that. `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I really don't know HOW they do it though. It really baffles me. Honestly. I can only say that they must be kinder and stronger and less selfish that I would naturally be. `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` And all I can proclaim to you from the bottom of my scrappy, hard-headed, willful, loud-mouthed, and selfish soul, is that I really couldn't have made it with out HIM. In surrender to Him, peace. In admitting my weakness to Him, strength. In crying out to Him, comfort. In being forgiven, freedom to forgive. In being loved by Him, freedom to love. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Yes, I still carried those stones. There are some beautiful verses in Isaiah though, were God says He has carried Israel from the womb, until old age. He says He has made, and has carried, and will carry them. And while I carried stone after stone, God Himself carried me. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` As He also said in Isaiah: "I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands." (Is.49:15b-16) And did He not do so, with a nail instead of a pen?