This blog is my record of my journey with my son who had a rare, and eventually fatal metabolic illness. It is the story of the last year and a half of his life, his death, and after. I have shared this journey this in the hopes that is will not only help me come to terms with the realities, but also that someone along the way may find it helpful, as they face a similar journey.

This is my place to comment on events, blow off steam, encourage myself (and maybe you), share frustrations, show my love, grieve my losses, express my hopes, and if I am lucky, maybe figure out some of this crazy place we call life on earth.

The content might sometimes get a little heavy. As an understatement..


People who are grieving may write sad or difficult things and bring you down. This blog may not be for the faint of stomach or of heart. Read with caution and at your own risk.

If you are new to this blog, I suggest reading it from oldest to newest. It isn't necessary, as what I write is complete in itself. But this blog is sort of the result of the "journey" I'm going on, and I think it sort of "flows" better from oldest to newest.

I do hope that in the end you will find, in spite of all the difficult and heartbreaking things, things that are worth contemplating.

Welcome along!

Saturday, April 10, 2010


I never dream about Joel. I never dream about him being sick, or dying. No nightmares. And no "wishful thinking" dreams either. I mean, I never dream that someone found a cure, or that they realized that Joel never had a PBD all along. I just never dream about him.

It strikes me as strange. Because I remember at least one dream, sometimes two or three, every morning when I wake up. I mean, it's not like I'm one of those people who claims not to dream. I'm a virtual fountain of dreams.

It makes me wonder. Why is it that Joel never makes an appearance? Do my anxieties come out in non-related dreams? Or does my constant day time sorting and resorting through it all just exhaust it all out of my emotional system?

I find it surprising and puzzling. I have never before experienced an anxiety, or grieved a loss, that did not turn up in some way during my night time brain recharging.

I mean, I have neither been in school, nor taught myself for years now. But I STILL keep having those dreams. The dreams of tests I didn't study for, or the dreams of walking into a classroom with no lesson plan and a hoard of unruly students... ugh. These dreams I have had for years and years, though even university is almost 10 years past, and I haven't taught for three.

But I suspect very much that when Joel is actually gone, he will suddenly start making appearances in my dreams. I expect when that happens I will start to have the nightmares about Joel needing my help, and I can't get to him. Or the dreams that he is still here and completely well.

I'm expecting this, because the last time I went through grief, this is what happened. It happened for years, before it finally stopped. I really can't imagine it won't happen now.

Maybe there is just so much actually happening in my head and my heart about it all right now, that there really is nothing left to come out at night.

Whatever the reason, I find it strange and puzzling. And I am grateful. Yes, grateful. I cry enough in the day, I appreciate the relief that sleep can still bring. Walking into a classroom of grade nines with no idea what I'm teaching almost a relief when it comes to nightmares. It sure could be much, much worse.

So, thank you God, for leaving me a sleep refuge. I need it!


  1. I dream that Jordan talks to me =( I wake up soo dissapointed.But what would we do without them right? = )


  2. I don't believe you will have nightmares about Joel someday....I do believe you will have some beautiful visits from him though. I use to dream about Diego walking or standing at the entrance of our doorway after he passed away. It was his way of visiting us...and telling us that he is still around. I have yet to dream of Adrian but I do daydream about what it would be like to see him run towards me to give me a hug...maybe that will happen someday.