Easter and DNR's

I have had so many "mini" blogs kicking around in my mind, just waiting for me to write 'em out and fill 'em in. Now I sit down and find they have all fled!

So, I'm just going to wander a bit here, be experimental, and see what comes out.

Joel is in the hospital again tonight, and I am here at home. Something I feel guilty about every time I do it. Especially today, as he so clearly was trying his best to keep himself in my arms, and therefore safe from being left in such a terrible place. It is the first time that I have seen this behavior.

He hardly slept for the 8 hours I was there, he just had little "snippets" in my arms, and if I put him down, he woke up. He would stay in the crib for a short while but if I left his side he would shortly start to fuss until I picked him up. Poor little mite! I think he figured that as long as I was holding him he had a chance of going home.

And today when I came in, for the first hour or two he was practically giddy. Just so smiley and happy. Sure I was taking him home, no doubt. It is always hard to leave him there, but today even more so. I just wanted to cuddle him up in my arms and never let him go.

So I hope he can come home tomorrow. I hope that tonight his oxygen levels again stay up. I want him home. Soon. Even one day in the hospital is one day too many wasted!

Though I know sometimes it must be done for him to be well and safe. And I really can't live at the hospital every time he is in there. I need sleep, Caeden needs a mommy too, and there are things waiting at home. And really, we are so lucky that I don't have to work, and can spend an 8 hour day there with him.

Today I was planning on telling the nurses our DNR plan. Steve and I decided that right now, we want them to do everything they can BUT NOT try to restart his heart if it stops. That is the one thing that I just feel will be little use in Joel's case, and if his heart has already stopped, who am I trying to bring him back for?? Not him. Just me.

The thought of them crushing his tiny little ribs, bruising him, or shocking him... it just doesn't seem right when he is already on his way home. I mean, as long as his heart beats, it feels like he might be trying to live. And if he is struggling to breathe, if his little heart is still working at it, then I'm going to help him, if I can. But when his heart stops?? The thought of the violence needed to try to force his life to go on, it just doesn't seem like I'm doing it for him, but like I just can't let go.

Yet, I found I could not say the words. I opened my mouth several times. But I just couldn't say the words. I really feel, down inside, like it is the one thing I feel they should refrain from, in Joel's own interests. But though I feel this, I could not say it. Not today. It felt like giving him permission to die, or something. Not logical. Like I was giving up my right to keep my boy with me, like I ever really have any control on that anyway...

But one of the great things about what I believe is this: life "here" is greatly valued and protected, and also life "here" is not the end, so I don't need to fear death.

(but I just would like to state for the record that I DO NOT believe what I do BECAUSE I like it. I believe it because I am convinced that it is TRUE)

It is easy to forget one of these two things. So sometimes I hear people who say they believe in Jesus say things that makes it sound like what they believe the afterlife to be is more like the ancient Greek view. Like it is a misty sort of existence where all the real "fun" was had in the earthy existence and the life after is somehow less real, less meaningful. Not that they would ever express it this way. Just the subtle way they speak, or even more so by their actions... In fact, I'm pretty sure I sometimes do the same thing. Joel has challenged me in this. He has made me really sit down and think about what I believe happens when we die.

So when Paul says to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord, yeah, I believe that. And the Lord he is speaking of is Jesus. In fact, this is what Paul says "For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that MORTALITY MAY BE SWALLOWED UP BY LIFE." 2Cor. 5:4 In other words, in our struggles here we long for more, not that we will shed our physical bodies and be spirits, but that one day we will be further clothed, in immortal physical form. Yup, seriously people, the Bible teaches this, read it and you will see. Sure, maybe you already know this. But THINK about it!! Whoa!

So I don't have to worry, or be sad when Joel sheds his broken little body here. Yes, I love that little body, for it contains the spirit of my precious boy. But I don't have to feel that I must preserve it at any cost, like it is all Joel has. Cause one day he is going to get the most awesome body to wear, that makes this one seem like less than a worn out rag. Wow, God. What a gift!

But on the flip side of it all, I know that God still values our lives here. So they are to be protected and respected no matter what physical form they take. There was an abbot (Arnaud Amaury) back in medieval times who was fighting Cathars (a Christian sect). His men came to a town full of both Cathars and Catholics. His men asked what they should do, as they couldn't tell who were the Catholics and who were the Cathars. So the Abbot said "God will know his own" and both Catholics and Cathars were killed together. Now where to start on THAT quote!! That is really not sound theology, for more than one reason.

But the one I'm going to comment on is that though through Christ we have immortal life, in no way are we to spurn or cut off our own life here, nor anyone else's. Christianity has been criticised as being the "opiate of the masses" because it was supposedly making Christians apathetic about life on earth. If people die, no big deal as God will sort it all out later. I truly wonder how much of the Bible the abbot had actually read.

What I have read tells me that life is sacred to God, that He does not judge by appearances, but loves the spirit within us. Jesus died so we could have eternal life, but he also fed the hungry and healed the sick. And he wept over the physical and spiritual suffering of the people around him. Our lives here are precious to HIM. Therefore how we treat the physical aspect of the people around us matters to HIM. It is not ok to let people go hungry, or be cold, or hurt in any way.

So, when it comes to Joel, and to DNR's and all those hard decisions, I find that what I believe offers me two guidelines. First of all, that Joel's life is precious, that I must be very careful about deciding what "quality of life" is worth sustaining, for God Himself has given Joel's precious life to me to guard and care for.

And I must not grasp desperately at Joel's life in his body, I must not hold on to it as though it were the only thing we have. When Joel's time is done, I can let him go, with love, and sorrow and hope. Because this is not the end. I will see Joel again.

So, maybe I will try to tell the nurses again tomorrow. I'll think I will find the courage soon. I'm learning what it means to protect and value my little boy's life. And what it means to trust and hope in God's promise, so when the time comes, I can let him go.